The Floating Turd Movie

Ever since I released the amateur video of myself talking to someone who may of may not have been Chief Justice Fairuz a few weeks ago, I have received tons of movie offers from well-known directors and porn producers.

Sadly, most of the roles that are on the table are only there because of my, as one famous director puts it - "leading-man good looks".

Listen here and listen good, you superficial Hollywood movie moguls:

I may be good-looking but I'm not just some hunky piece of meat, okay? I have genuine talent, dammit! Also, I will NOT do nudity unless it's for "artistic purposes", okay?

So while waiting for a big-budget script that is worthy of my talents and/or nude body, I have headlined a small independent film made by a well-known director based on a story by a famous writer.

And the movie is about...Me!

Yes. It is the story of my life. It is the story of my struggle against oppresion and people who seek to keep me down. Best of all, it is a story that does not contain the line "Aku tak nak jadi cicak! Aku nak jadi normal!". So you know it's going to be a good movie.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you The Floating Turd Movie:

The Drunken Indian Defense

Okay. So you've seen the video. The one that, if you listen to members of the Legal-Community, should bring the Judiciary down to its knees, forcing many judges to turn-in their black housecoats and comical wigs in shame.

Of course, you could argue that it is in fact more shameful to actually want to wear the black housecoat and comical wig to work everyday, but you would be - as you often are - wrong.
You see, in the Upside-Down World of the Law, where Black is sometimes White, Right if often Wrong and Guilty is always refered to in legal terms as Not Guilty, this otherwise-ridiculous attire is a symbol of Honour and Justice and stop laughing, dammit!
I'm being serious here!

Fine.
Read it yourself.

It clearly states in Article 20.2/:( of The Constitution of Malaysia that:

"The Wearer of The Black Housecoat and Wig shall, at all times, discharge his duties with Honour and serve the needs of Justice, insofar as insofar, even if He (or if no Hes are available, She) is laughed at by people wearing normal attire."

There.

So, in light of the revelations in the Lingam Video, The Legal Community is up-in-arms over something or other that besmirches the integrity of the Black Housecoat and Comical Wig.
I like saying besmirches.
Besmirches besmirches besmirches.

Members of the Legal Community are so convinced that this video is whatever, that 2000 lawyers, mistakenly believing that the Prime Minister can read, actually marched to Putrajaya the other day to present a memo to him demanding that Action Be Taken and that Prima Facie Verily Deo Ipsum Loqouituresque!

Imagine that! 2000 lawyers to deliver one memo! Boy, I'd hate to be the sorry schmuck who's going to foot that legal bill. Bloody thieving lawyers.

Meanwhile, The Government, in a response that can only be described as nincompoopy, has appointed a Special Three-Man Panel to ascertain what any pimply-faced Playstation-humping teenager can tell you within minutes:

Whether the tape is authentic or whether it is actually a Pixar-Animation production with the part of VK Lingam played by a guy in a blue-suit, probably the same guy who played Gollum so convincingly in The Lord of The Rings Trilogy.

But let us, you and I, not be morons for a moment and assume that the tape is indeed authentic. Come on. Let's. It's safe. Really.
There are people, usually balding manager-types, who will tell you that it's wrong to assume. They will tell you that when you ASSUME, "you make an ass out of u and me".
Then they will look at you expectantly, like they want you to applaud their superior intellect or something.
These people are idiots and you should point out to them you cannot really make an ass out of u and me. You can make an emu out of u and me. You can make meu, mue, uem, ume or even an eum. But you cannot, no matter how hard you try, make an ass out of u and me.
So the correct phrase should, in fact, be "U, me and an ass can make Assume" which sounds really stupid if said out loud by anyone who isn't Arnold Schwarzenegger.

So, having ascertained that both u and me cannot be made asses, we'll just go right ahead and assume that the tape is authentic. Okay?

Right.

My question to you now is this:

So bloody what?

Look at the video again. Look at the foreground. See that bottle there? Well, let's just say that it's not a bottle of Chili Sauce.

Hah!

Get it?

Chili Sauce?

Because his name is Lingam, you see. And there's a brand of Chili Sauce called fuck it never mind. You're a humourless lot, you are.

Anyway, if my years' of watching CSI have taught me anything, it is that the bottles in question are, in alphabetical order:

1) Dewars (probably White Label, subject to DNA results)
2) Red Wine
3) Sprite (probably to be used as a mixer for the Dewars)

So now let me ask you this:

Which Indian man do you know, having consumed copious amounts of alcohol, has NOT, at some point in his life, called someone up and promised him the Chief Justiceship of Malaysia?

This could've happened to anybody, dammit! And I should know.
This video of me that you're about to see was secretly filmed by some bastard whom I can't remember while I was happily drinking at some place that I can't remember:

Now does this mean that I'm guilty of anything?
Of course not!

Because according to unreliable sources who were also drinking at the time, this conversation was recorded while I was calling a cab to take me home. And I have a vague memory of listening to hold-music (I think it was The Yellow Rose of Texas) throughout the time I was talking.

So all I'm saying is that we should give Lingam the benefit of the doubt. For all we know, he could've been talking to his mother. Or attempting, in his inebriated state, to order a pizza.

Disclaimer:
I'm not suggesting that Lingam was drunk while he made the call. It is entirely up to you to figure that out for yourself. You can mathematically calculate the drunkeness of an Indian using the following formula - 3.14(circumference of hand waving) X voice decible level + number of times the word correct is used.
The higher the number, the more drunk he is.

And if Lingam was, in fact, drunk at the time, then even if he was talking to the judge, he can simply use The Drunken Indian Defense to fight his case.

The Drunken Indian Defense, of course, has been used for years to absolve Indians of any wrongdoing whatsoever by allowing them to quickly plead "I was drunk" when caught. It has successfully been used in many cases where Indians have uttered such damning words as:

"Of course I can sing on stage!"

"I'll pay you back next week"

or, worst of all:

"I, take you to be my lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

Note:
The Drunken Indian Defense, as the name suggests, may only be used by Indians. Chinese people can't use it because they usually pass out after two drinks. And Malays can't use it because, as everybody knows, they...ahem...don't drink.

So, in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we can deduce, using The Drunken Indian Defense, that Lingam is Guilty, which as you already know, according to The Law, actually means Not Guilty.
And with that, the defence rests its case.

Now let's u and me go make an emu.

The Return of The Floating Turd. Seriously.

I guess I should start by explaining my absence:

I've been working on, well, things.

Serious things.

You see, I've come to realise that, in this great country of ours, there are a great many people who are suffering. People who, if the current situation persists, will not be able to afford the basic needs that we take for granted everyday.
And they have no Datins or Miss Universes to take up their cause.

I'm not sure if I can change things. Certainly not on my own.

But I can try.

I figure if more people know about the problem, then more people will be inclined to contribute to The Cause.

So there will be no making fun of politicians in this post.
No travelling through time.
No Weekend Fun.
No uneccessary linking to Lily Liverbird.
No claims to be the descendant of Jesus.
No conversations with God.
No calling up the Selangor State Government to ask if anyone there is having sex.

This entire entry is merely a plea for your attention.
Because with your help, I believe we can, as corny as it sounds, make a change.

So please go here to see what I'm talking about.
And if you can, lend us your support.
Thank you.

Pazuzu In Da House, Yo!

Disclaimer:
This is not a racist post. Being Indian, it is my God-given right to speak, behave and comment on issues that pertain to black people. Ya' dig?


What is up, my fellow Negroes? Have you managed to persuade any bitches and HOs to perform oral sex on you lately? If so, I am pleased for you! Let us engage in an unnecessarily-elaborate handshake ritual immediately!

Okay. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I would like to ask my fellow brethren (especially my Indian brethren) a question. And that question is:

What the fuck?

I mean, don't you have enough problems as it is, you have to pretend that your ancestors were brought here as slaves, and because of that you have to spell your name with numbers and talk in rhymes to generic beats?

Let me say here that I'm not against black music. It's rap I don't get. I can't relate to it.
Black people used to SING about stuff that people could relate to. There was a time when, you'd have a black guy with only a slide-guitar, and he'd be wailing on and on about how he "done drank hisself a bottle of bourbon" because some "Devil-woman done stole his soul".

Now that's something we can all relate to.

But now, we have a bunch of Indian guys in some reality-talent show rapping about how difficult life is "in the hood" and it's all because of "Da Police" or something.

What the hell? What "hood"? Bangsar? Taman Tun? Where?

If you're Indian and you absolutely must rap, can't you rap about something that affects your community?
I mean, Denzel Washington has already won his Oscar, but Acappan hasn't won Best Actor for Whatever Acting Awards Thingy They Have Here, as far as I know. And that is an outrage!
Here's a sample of what would make a good Indian rap:

I climbed to the top of Everest
Then I died, but they won't let me have a Rest
In Peace, Yo!

And that's just off the top of my head.
Idiots.

And don't get me started on you Women. Because I'm going to start anyway:

Some moron MPs make a joke in parliament and you're all pretending to be outraged and shit, but when a black guy raps about leaving his bitches and HOs after they've performed an act that is unmentionable here because it is a family-friendly blog that would never use such words as blowjob, you're all bumping and grinding and humping the dance-floor like you're Beyonce or something.

If the MPs had said it in rap format, would that have made it ok?

Jasin: Batu Gajah leaks every month!
Featuring Beyonce: Uh huh! Uh huh!

Kinabatangan: Batu Gajah leaks every month, yo!
Featuring Beyonce: Fo' Shizzel My Nizzel!

Hah! I could just see all you women throwing your hands in the air and waving them like you just don't care as you read that.

I have many more examples of how you lot have about as much credibility as Vanilla Ice, but unfortunately I'm leaving now to drink myself a bottle of bourbon because some Devil-woman done changed the locks on my door.

Yo.




Soalan Bonus:

What's the deal with 50 Cent? Why does he pronounce his name Fi'ty Cent? Does he have a speech impediment? How come he can pronounce the first F but not the second?

Discuss.

Discussion Question:

If gay people are so oppressed, how come they're always so damn happy?
You don't see the rest of us skipping about the office all the time, do you?

Huraikan.


Disclaimer:
I'm not against gay people, I'm just against exceedingly happy people. Okay? Sheeesh.

OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGod!!!

Guess what? Guess what? Guess what???










Well?










What the hell?












Are you going to guess or not?








Fine. Whatever.
Annnyyyway....guess what? No wait. We just went through that.
So I suppose I should just come out and tell you the good news:

Ahem...I, Pazuzu, have just....OhGosh...I don't know what to say....I mean, this comes as a total surprise...I mean...you see it happen to other people and you think "could it happen to me?"...and then you think "can you use quotation marks for thoughts?"...and then you think maybe I should use italics...and then you think "Fuck it. I'll use both just in case"...


So anyway, as I was saying (I'm saying this out loud as I'm writing, okay? So don't get all technical with me), I, Pazuzu, have just won...




A Thinking Blogger Award!!!


And...


I, Pazuzu, have just won...

A Thinking Blogger Award!!!


No. I'm not drunk and repeating myself.
You see, I have actually won two Thinking Blogger Awards! One for this blog and one for my other blog and one for the little blog who lives down the lane! Which would actually mean that I have won three Thinking Blogger Awards except that that last bit was actually just a really humourous lyrical reference to the song Baa Baa Black Sheep and fuck it, never mind.

Two is enough.
Because, as far as I can tell, no one else, in the history of the world, has ever won TWO Thinking Blogger Awards. I verified this by Googling "Has anybody besides me, Pazuzu, won TWO Thinking Blogger Awards, in, like, the history of the world or anything?" and Google replied that:


Your search - "Has anybody besides me, Pazuzu, won TWO Thinking Blogger Awards, in, like, the history of the world or anything?" - did not match any documents.


If you don't believe me, you can damn well Google it yourself.
And, if Google says I'm the only one, then it must be true.
So, years from now, when some history teacher asks who was the only person to ever win TWO Thinking Blogger Awards and some dumbass kid answers "Gandhi" or something equally moronic, the teacher can whack him or ask him to ketuk-ketampi or administer whatever punishment they deem fit in the future for stupid kids who don't know their history.

Anyway, you might want to know that I received the award for this blog from a mysterious fellow named Mr Incognito who has a blog called Almost Anonymous who presented this award to me while wearing pantyhose over his head:




Photo courtesy of Jeff Ooi

Mr. Incognito then instructed me, at gunpoint, to name five blogs that make me think, before running off in a suspicious manner to a nearby 7-eleven. He did not say what the blogs should make me think of, but since this is a family-friendly blog which does not use dirty words like pipet, buret and penunu, I will resist nominating sex-related blogs like LilyLiverbird's.


So, here are the five blogs that make me think about non-sex-related things:


1) Aisehman - Political blogger who writes about politics in a very non-biased, non-sexual way although he does sometimes use dirty words so you shouldn't read it if you're a prude and can't stomach words like "Khairy".

2) The Road Less Travelled - Politics with humour, which, come to think of it, is not much different from what we get everyday in parliament. But. Oh well.

3) GemmaRose's - This blog boggles my mind. It makes me think "Wasn't there a blog here a few weeks ago?"

4) Potshots - It makes me think "Isn't this the same post I read last month?". I usually read it again anyway.

5) Lim Kit Siang - I never actually read his blog but, as is my right as a Rakyat, I keep tagging him with these ridiculous things to see if he'll respond. He never does. Typical politician.


There are some rules or shit that you poor tagged sods have to follow. They're really boring so I've put them in small print:


Note to tagged bloggers:
Congratulations, you won a Thinking Blogger Award!
Should you choose to participate, please make sure you pass this list of rules to the blogs you are tagging.
I thought it would be appropriate to include them with the meme.
The participation rules are simple:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

Remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all - blogs that really get you thinking!


Oh, and since this is a Thinking Blog, I thought this post should end with something for you to think about. Something like those pictures psychologists show people and then they ask them "So, what does this picture make you think about?".

So I've closed my eyes and just scribbled this random shape from my subconcious which makes me think about gravity and it's effect on the public transportation industry vis-a-vis the financial analysis of the Darfur situation which might be, according to sources who decline to be named, a paradigm shift:

Now think, dammit! Think!

Weekend Fun: Get Lost

For Weekend Fun this week, I suggest you take Monday off and get the hell out of here.
I am.

And in my absence, I am putting A Babe of Very Little Brain in charge of keeping the comment box going, an area in which she has vast experience.

Note to GemmaRose: No insulting me in the comment box till I get back. Not fair if I can't reply.

This is The Floating Turd, Flushing off.
Till next week.

I'm a Creep, I'm a Weirdo, He's a...

Warning:
I thought this'd be funny but it ended up being creepy. I mean, really really creepy. Do not read while eating. In fact, do not read at all. Okay fine. You asked for it. Here we go:

: Push, honey! Push!! Breathe!! Breathe!!!

: I am pushing, dammit!

: You're doing fine, sweetheart!! Fine!!

: Don't you tell me I'm doing fine! You're not the one who has to...aaarrrggg...

: Almost there, munchkin!! Almost there!!! I can see the head!!!

:...hhhaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh....

: Just...a...bit...mo...

:...arrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhgggghhhhhh!!!!!!

: Mr and Mrs Vellu-Jackson, it's a bo...I mean..gir...err...well, it's healthy:

Told you so. Sometimes, I hate the places where my mind takes me. Urrrggghh. Oh, and if you don't watch American Idol and have no clue who the guy above is, whatever.

The Long-Awaited Return of Weekend Fun: New Old Wives' Tales

Okay-okay, I know. I've neglected Weekend Fun for sometime now. The thing is, I've been busy with work and saving the country and wait where're you going?
Come back, dammit!
Don't you walk away from me, young man/woman!
That's it. Sit your ass back down.
There. Hah!
Who's your Appa?
WHO'S YOUR APPA?

Who?

That's right, dammit.
And your Appa says you'll have some Weekend Fun this weekend even if you're utterly miserable doing it.
Understand?
Good.

So:

This week's episode of Weekend Fun is about a topic that has the added bonus of being not only ageist, but sexist as well. It's about:

Old Wives' Tales!

Historians often argue, sometimes violently, about the origins of many Old Wives' Tales. That is why, if you see a bunch of historians enthusiastically having a debate at your local pub, it's best not to get involved. They're a crazy bunch, those historians, and they'll think nothing of boring you to death with the story of how J.W.W. Birch, having spied a local man pleasuring himself, decided to name a town after the man's act, but, like clueless white people often do, mispronounced the Malay word for the aforementioned act.

The reason historians are at loggerheads about the origins of Old Wives' Tales is because many of them (the tales, also the historians) don't make much sense.
Take, for example, this popular Old Wives' Tale:

If you put your elbows on the table during dinner, old people will yell at you

If you dissect (using a pipet, buret and penunu) this Tale, and examine, using a microscope, the Tale's trachea, bronchus, bronchiole dan dubur, you will find that it makes no sense whatsoever. Because unless your elbows are up on the table and your arms are pointing upwards, and your fists are clenched with the exception of your middle finger, there is absolutely no reason why this should be considered rude. And hence, there is no reason for the aforementioned old person to yell at you.

So how then did this and other nonsensical Old Wives' Tales start?

The most plausible theory is that the Old Wives, bored of knitting and emptying the chamberpot while waiting for their Old Husbands to come back from the Old Pub (they would sometimes wait for months), simply made them up!

And the reason why there are no New Old Wives' Tales is because women these days are too busy with their "careers" because they're now "equal to men" except during Valentine's Day when the Man damn well better do something otherwise he is is Big Trouble. So, like The Tourism Minister said, it's only the unemployed women who have the time to make shit up. Which is why this tradition has been grossly neglected.

So that brings us nicely to what you can do this weekend for your Weekend Fun! You can:

Start a New Old Wives Tale!!

And in this age of 'gender-equality' where even men can be Wives, anyone can participate! I'll start the ball rolling with my own New Old Wives' Tale:

If you pat a dwarf twice on the head, it will bring you good luck

If you see a dwarf walking down the street, pat him on the head twice (it should be an even number, so if you accidently pat him thrice, you should pat him again). The dwarf will think you're merely being friendly and you will, I don't know, win the lottery or become the Prime Minister's son-in-law or something.

See?
That wasn't so hard! Try it yourself!
In fact I'm going to force you to try it by tagging you. I tag The Former Liverbird, Leen Ashburn, Anttyk, Sicko, Lim Kit Siang, and, because he still hasn't updated, Daryl Chan.

Update: And the only person who actually wants to be tagged - Babe.

Hah!

Who's your Appa?

WHO's YOUR APPA?

Damn straight.

Get Your FREE Virtual UniTee-Shirts Now!!

Although it wasn't reported in the mainstream press (as usual), I'm sure you all know by now that I, Pazuzu, am going to be your next Prime Minister once my party - PUNDAK - wins the next General Election.

So to celebrate the launch of PUNDAK, I am generously giving away FREE Virtual UniTee-Shirts now at PUNDAK's official site!

Do your part for your country and whatever!

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