Monday, February 11, 2008

Save The Chinese!

I have been accused by A Babe of Very Little Brain of being a peanut who has forgotten its err...peanut shell ever since I was famously featured in The Star (Note to Babe: Has Jasmine ever been featured in The Star? Huh? Has he? HAS HE?).

So I would like to clarify once and for all that I, Pazuzu, have not let fame go to my hea...what do you mean you didn't know I was featured in The Star?

You don't read The Star?

What the fuck kind of MCA member are you?

Never mind. For the benefit of all you morons out there who don't read The Paper That Only Prints Really Really Really Important News So You Have More Time To Read The Ads, I have reproduced the article here:

Click to enlarge


You read that?


Did you?

Kiss my Trademark Adobe Flash Stickman! KISS IT! (Note To Babe: Does Jasmine have a Trademark Adobe Flash Stickman? Huh? Does he? DOES HE?)

Anyway, now that I'm really famous and have a Trademark and all, I have decided, as all famous people do at some point (usually when they get on Oprah), to "play my part" as a "responsible citizen" and "give something back to society" and "have my picture taken with retarded/sick/old/orphaned people" so I can "look good" and "people will like me" and won't mind in the least when I "use quotation-marks unnnecccesssarily" and refuse to check the actual spelling for "unnnecccasssarily".

And as you all already know, the most underprivileged community in Malaysia, despite what HINDRAF and UMNO will have you believe, is The Chinese Community.
Sure, they may have a natural aptitude for business and making money and becoming rich and all, but the one sector where they lag behind all the other races is in the "Not Giving Myself a Comical-Sounding Name Sector".

Not that other races are much better.

Indians have a tendency to put way too many syllables in their names. I suspect that it's because Indians will always be competitive and try to outdo each other ("Your son's name is Mangolingam? My son's name is Thirumangolingam! Hah! ")
Malays have a tendency to give themselves Government Names like Nuriah. If you ever met someone named Nuriah, your immediate instinct would be to address that person as Puan Nuriah, even if this particular Nuriah happens to be a newborn baby.

The thing is, with Indians and Malays, these unfortunate names are given to them by their parents, probably as a permanent practical joke.

But most Chinese people, as you all know, choose their own bloody names!
Once they reach a certain age, they will suddenly show up in school with a new name-tag and announce to everybody that they no longer wish to be called Wong Wee Lim. "Call me Ricky," they would happily say, and go about their business as though nothing unusual just happened.

Then, sometime around the 80s I think, Chinese people appeared to have simply run out of names. All the Rickys, Jackies, Vickys and Nickys were taken. So, out of desperation, they started using non-names as names. Suddenly, you found yourself being introduced to a Milk Choy or a Prudential Tan or a Coppertone Ooi. My mother once had a student named - I swear I am not making this up - Filofax.

People, this has to stop.

We cannot simply hunch over our beers and pretend that this isn't happening. I believe we have to Do Something. Which is why me and fellow-famous-person Bono have started the "Donate A Name and Save A Chinese Person" worldwide campaign:

(from left) Bono, Me and Chinese Person

And you can play your part too.
All you have to do give an example of a wacky Chinese name and a suitable replacement-name in the comment box below and you could help a Pantomime Chin become a Bob Chin.

To promote this campaign, Bono and I are giving away free T-shirts to all those who donate a name:

I realise some of you don't drink or smoke and probably have no use for the above T-shirt. But that's like saying you won't wear a "Save The Whales" T-shirt because you're not actually a whale. Come on people. Do your bit for your fellow man.

Donate a name in the following format in the comment box:

Wacky Chinese Name: ___________
Suggested Name: _______________
E-mail: __________

and I'll e-mail you a voucher which you can print and redeem for 1 free t-shirt at Bojangles Pub in Desa Sri Hartamas (the road behind Fitness First) while stocks last (if you don't want to display your e-mail in the comment box, you can e-mail me your e-mail and I'll e-mail the voucher to your e-mail. e-mail. e-mail. e-maiStopIt! )

Guys, if all of us do this, then maybe, just maybe, I can get enough Chinese votes to win my election campaign and become your next Prime Minister. Speaking of which:

PUNDAK is back.
You can become a PUNDAK candidate for the General Election. Go here and pick your constituency now!


Anonymous said...

bravo bravo! welcome back....having serious doubts on who to vote for.

Damn than Katrikha sounds so Indian! wei you indian guy ah?

Lily G said...

Wacky Chinese Name: Mudguard Chong (true name, I swear, a mechanic in Sri Hartamas)
Suggested Name: Mark Chong

Anonymous said...

1. jasmine has been featured in the Star, NST, M.Mail, my blog, my defunct blog, group blog, etc etc countless times (not forgetting the electronick media too.

2. yea jasmine has got his own trademark as well butnot stupid stick people la, it is his rotund belly. what dya know about belly, you underfed yeendeean guy.

3. there is one pazuzu cheong. really.

Unknown said...

Wacky Chinese Name: Kong Kek Quat
Suggested Name: King Kong Quat

Lily G said...

whacky name: Limp Cock Wing
Suggested Name: Limp Kim Fark

Anonymous said...

whackyname: Scouser Ng
Suggested name: Brickfield Ng

Desparil said...

Wacky Chinese Name: Engelbert
Suggested Name: Burt/Robert
E-mail: cannot tell cos it's top secret

p/s- do i need to put the full name ah?

Anonymous said...

whackyname: Fatima Zulfarique Mikhail Ali.

suggested name: Fatimah Ali

Anonymous said...

whackyname: M.G.G. Pillai
suggested name: MGG Pillai

waffles said...

wacky name: handsome chong
Suggested Name: hazab chong

Anonymous said...

wacky name: fanny wong
suggested name: wong fan nie

lily, wot about Limp Cant Fark? hiks.

Anonymous said...

wacky name (well not so): hannah tan
suggested name: nur hana bt. abdullah
(kena tukar la lepas kawen dgn aku. woi!)

scouser brickfield

Leen AshBurn said...

wacky name: bhurit something or other (i swear this is real first name of my colleague in thailand)
suggested name: Pretty Petals

wacky name: Fish Yu (also a colleague)
suggested name: Up Yours

email: you can lily lah, i shy to give here.

Anonymous said...

i take back all the nasty things i said about you.

hey! i can be a politician!!! undilah saya.

Anonymous said...

....Blogger ylanda said...

Wacky Chinese Name: Kong Kek Quat
Suggested Name: King Kong Quat

BAHAHAHHA Kong Kek! Quat!

Unknown said...

Case 1:
Wacky Chinese Name: REMEMBER NGO
Suggested Name: NGO OI LEI ( I LOVE YOU!)

The above lady was a Badminton Player representing Penang a few years back in the MSSM...

Cases 2&3:

Wacky Chinese Name: Harry & Steve Kok
Suggested Name: Just change their surname to any name other than Kok....

These two brothers are really friends of mine...

Anonymous said...

Liverpool needs saving. Not the chinese.


mob1900 said...

Wacky Chinese Name: Lim Kim Hai
Suggested Name: I'm-Listed-on-KLSE- so-fuck-you!

Wacky Chinese Name: Blando Wong
Suggested Name: Godie Wong(pronounce as Go-Die)

Wacky Chinese Name: Mansel Lee
Suggested Name: Sell-Men Lee

Caker said...

Wacky Chinese Name: Koh Tek Leng
Suggested Name: Kotek Leng

Wacky Chinese Name: Koh Tek Meng
Suggested Name: Kotek Meng

They are brothers.

Hilary said...

Wacky Chinese Name: Jazz Wong (he's my hairstylist.. seriously)
Suggested Name: Johnson Wong

Joe said...

A fried from primary school:
Tay Teck Wah.
Suggested name: Pendulous Tay

Hilary said...

is that voucher real?? 0.o
coz im nt sure whether i'll be laughed at if i DO go and collect a t-shirt with tat voucher..

And how do u even collect it?
Go there and give the printed voucher?? And.. and?? How do they verify its true.. or.. stuff like tat

Confused @_@

The Floating Turd said...

real lah. Just give voucher to bartender or manager. They won't laugh at you unless you look really funny.

Anonymous said...

Ini gua sumpah betul punya nama. Lu tak ada percaya gua kasi dia punya talipon no, lu call.

Wacky Chinese Name: Wong Futt Yew
Suggested Name: Gua F@#k You