Thursday, March 15, 2007

I'm Not Weird, Everyone Else Is

I suspect that Lily Liverbird is "doing the deed" with YAB Datuk Seri Khir Toyo. I also suspect that because of this, she is nervous about what my investigations into his sex life might uncover. Which is why she's evilly tried to distract me by tagging me.


Okay. Now that she gets the picture, I guess I have to respond to the tag. Here it is:

6 Weird Things About The Floating Turd

2) I have Fear of Changing Rooms (Quadreflectophobia)

Actually, in this case, I'm not weird. Changing rooms are weird. The ones in apparel stores, I mean.
Or are they called Fitting Rooms?
You see, when you change clothes at home, it's relatively simple. Take something off, put something on.
But when you're in a Changing Room, suddenly everything's so damn confusing. You're in there with, like, four pairs of pants or whatever. And then you're taking one off and putting another on and then taking it off and putting it on. And you have to keep track of what you've taken off and what you've put on.
And then there are four mirrors all around you. So now instead of one person with four pairs of pants in there, it looks like there are four Yous with 16 pairs of pants.
I mean, seriously, what the fuck?
There have been times when I've been so traumatised by the all the confusion that I have realised, just as I'm about to unlock the door and leave the room, that I'm still in my underwear.
And one day, it will happen. I'm sure of it.
I'll just walk out in my underwear, holding a pair of jeans or something and say to the salesgirl "Do you have 1 size bigger?" (Yes. I realise I'm opening up an opportunity for you to make a joke about my penis-size here. Knock yourself out).
I really will.
It's only a matter of time.

5) Yes-yes. I don't drive.

But once again, it's not really me who's weird.
Here's a typical conversation between me and a person who drives:

Driver: I was caught in the fucking jam!

Me: Uh huh.

Driver: Again!

Me: Yes.

Driver: And the fucking price of fucking petrol has gone up!

Me: Yes.

Driver: And can you believe the cost of parking? And tolls? Bloody Samy Vellu!

Me: Uh huh.

Driver: And then this morning this bastard cut me off and he had the fucking nerve to show me the finger. I tell you, these fucking KL drivers, man! Seriously! You know what I'm saying?

Me: No.

Driver: Huh?

Me: I don't drive.

Driver: You're weird.

I'm weird? What the hell?
Here's what it's like with me. I get into a cab. I let my mind work on important things such as figuring out scientific definitions for obscure fears. I get out of the cab. Stress-free.
And I'm the one who's weird?

Having said that, I don't really not drive by choice. I probably would if I could.
The problem is, my mind prefers to be anywhere but the actual geographical location that my body is in.
So if I was driving, my mind should be thinking:

That's a red light. I suppose I should stop.

But in fact, my mind will be thinking something like:

If I win an Oscar, how should my acceptance speech be? Should it be short and sweet? Funny? What if nobody laughs? What if I fuck-up on the delivery? Who should I thank? Will people be offended if I don't thank them? Why is this so difficult? Fuck it. I just won't thank anybody. Was that a red light, just now? And why is there blood splattered across my windscreen? But surely I have to thank my mother? And my sister? But if I thank them, then I'll have to thank...

So it's probably best that I don't drive. For everyone's sake.
That's me. Always thinking of other people.

True fact (as opposed to an untrue fact):
I don't know a damn thing about cars either. I once got into the back seat of a Wira through the front door, thinking it was a Satria.

3) I hate phones and other forms of technology

The telephone, as you all know, was invented by Isaac Newton after an apple fell on his head and he wanted to call up the apple-tree guy and yell at him but then realised he had nothing to call him up with.
Since then, the phone has become the most misused piece of technology in the history of everything.
I mean, I'm not totally against phones.
Sometimes, they can be useful.
Such as those times when you absolutely have to call up the Selangor State Government to find out if YAB Datuk Seri Khir Toyo is having sex.
Or, if you're desperate for some cash, you can call up McDonalds and have them deliver a McChicken Meal and McNuggets to the home of the CEO of KFC. Then you can wait outside the CEO's house and take a picture (with your phone!) of the transaction and threaten to release the picture on the internet if he doesn't give you a million bucks or something.
But phones were not meant for conversations!
Conversations were meant to be had in pubs. Preferably fuelled by copious amounts of beer.
I am always suspicious of people who like to have long conversations on the phone. Why do they not want the person on the other end to see their face? I think there's a good chance that these people are liars.

True fact:
I only learned to sms last year. Or maybe the year before. I still hate it.

True fact again:
I also hated the internet until I started blogging. Years ago, when I was staying in Pantai Dalam, my e-mail address was
something@pd.jaring or something. I thought the pd stood for Pantai Dalam. Lily Liverbird, who is evil, loves to remind me of this.

6) I don't eat seafood or vegetables

I don't eat seafood because I don't trust things that can breathe underwater. Think about it. If you travelled to a planet where you couldn't breathe without an oxygen tank and you encountered an alien being, would your first instinct be to eat it?

I don't eat vegetables because I am against the senseless murder of innocent plants. Human beings breathe oxygen. Animals use up oxygen. Plants produce oxygen. So, logically, which one should we kill? Animals or plants?


I also don't eat seafood or vegetables because they taste yucky.

4) I oppose Knowledge and advocate Nonsense

Knowledge is the Enemy of Thought. Because the more you know, the less you try to figure out. The less you try to figure out, the less you know. So, the more you know, the less you know.
You know?


Because if you know what I'm talking about, then you don't know what I'm talking about. Or do you?


I don't care if you think I'm talking nonsense.
Nonsense is underrated.
Your judgement is clouded by logic and reason.
Mine isn't.

1) I hate Order

I hate lists. I hate step-by-step instructions. I hate manuals. I hate Aturcara-Majlis. I hate planners and filofaxes - there's something robotic and arrogant about knowing where you'll be next Tuesday at 3.25.

I especially hate forms.
With their tiny little boxes where you have to fill in your little alphabets and then you realise with mounting dread that there isn't going to be enough boxes to fill in your whole address and now what are you going to do?
So you start trying to put two alphabets in each box and then you get to the end and then you realise that shit! There's a separate box for your poskod and negeri and shit and arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

Just give me an empty sheet of paper.
And a pen.
And the world, for me, is as it should be.


So there you go. I have to tag other people now, right?
I tag
Daryl Chan who is a psychotic genius and the weirdest person I know but who hasn't posted an entry for ages because, I suspect, he thinks people will steal his thoughts.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Update: Excuuuse Me, DATUK Toyos R' Not Us

Unless you're Leen Ash Burn and you've managed to somehow knock your head (heh heh), you will remember that in my last post, I said that:

"Since YAB Datuk Seri Khir Toyo thinks it's okay to invade people's privacy and ask them if they're having sex, it would be perfectly okay for us to call YAB Datuk Seri Khir Toyo and ask him if he's having sex (full story here)."

I hope that as responsible citizens of Malaysia - Negara Kita Yang Merdeka, you did as you were told. I mean, I even gave you the contact information, dammit. What the hell else do you want?

Anyway, to prove to you that I'm a practice-what-you-preach kinda guy, I tried to get in touch with YAB Datuk Seri Khir Toyo:

Please click here for audio before you read on (If the Play button doesn't work, click Download. I'm still trying to figure out this audio thing).

Okay-okay. I know what you're thinking:
Someone actually answered the phone! In a government department! And they actually transferred me to someone who wasn't out for tea!
I'm as shocked as you are.

But, overall, I'm disappointed. I didn't get to speak to YAB Datuk Seri Khir Toyo. And even though the person I spoke to seemed really nice, she didn't have the information I wanted. Typical government. They might as well be out for tea.

And there are a few things that I'm disturbed about:

Firstly, the phrase "soalan ini bercorak peribadi". Does this mean that we can't call people up and ask them if they're having sex? How come the government can but we can't? What if I join the government? Can I call people then?
So many questions. I think parliament should have some emergency parliamentary-thingy and sort this out once and for all, dammit.

CAN WE or CAN WE NOT call people up and ask them if they're having sex?

That's all I want to know.

Secondly, was that a threat? The whole "panggilan ini kami rakam" and telling me what my own phone number is? I mean, maybe it wasn't a threat. Maybe it was just an innocent statement. But if it is, why tell me what my own phone number is? Don't they think I know my own phone number?

Better to be cautious and take it as a threat. You all remember what to do with my body if I die, right? Okay. Phew. Just checking.

Annnyywayy, as I was sayingShitWhatWasThat??!!!

Oh. Sorry. Just a damn cat and some dramatic violin music in the background. Nothing to worry about. There's absolutely no one creeping up behind me at this very moment an gvofer vfgvkdcvhegfigerhg hefvriheg hefhvgwjhfwvbjfhv





Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Toyos R' Not Us

My favourite jingle of all time:

I don't wanna grow up
I'm a Toys R' Us kid
They got a million toys at Toys R' Us
That I can play with

From cars and trains to video games
And the prices are hard to beat (Gee Whizzzz!!)
I don't wanna grow up
Coz baby if I did

I wouldn't be a Toys R' Us kid
More games, More toys, Oh Boy!
I'll always be a Toys R' Us kid!

I am away. Without internet access (except from the cybercafe where I'm writing this). I'm visiting my Neverland for awhile. Where time is in the belly of a big-ass crocodile.

I need a break from Stupidity.
He's everywhere.
I saw him last in the form of the Selangor MB (Read what the idiot's done here).

Khir Toyo wants to know if young people are having sex.
Okay. Fair enough.
If Khir Toyo thinks it's all right for "his people" to call people up and ask if they're having sex, I think it's only fair that we reserve the right to call up "his people" and ask them if Khir Toyo is having sex.

Here is the contact information:

Pejabat Setiausaha Kerajaan Negeri Selangor,
Bangunan Sultan Salahuddin Abdul Aziz Shah,
40503 Shah Alam,Selangor Darul Ehsan.
No. Telefon Am SUK: (6)03-55447000
E-mel :

I'm sure the friendly state government officials will be glad to answer the following questions:

1) Is Khir Toyo having sex?
2) With whom?
3) Did he ever have pre-marital sex?
4) Why not?
5) Come on. Surely he could've found someone to have sex with him?
6) You'll give me a hint?
7) Baaa?
8) What the hell does Baaa mean?
9) Shit. Really?

Please let me know the results to your findings when I get back from my Neverland.
Okay. I'm off. Second star to the right and straight on till morning.

This is The Floating Turd.
Flushing off.
For awhile.