Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Box Set: Lingam, The Musical (Complete Episodes 1-5!)

Episode 1





Episode 2





Episode 3





Episode 4





Episode 5







The management of thefloatingturd.blogspot.com hereby vow never to do anything like this ever again. Thank you.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Debate: What You Use To Catch DeFish

Topic: Pee around the toilet bowl is caused by, not men, but women who, in their struggle for equality, try to pee standing up.

Discuss.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Save The Chinese!

I have been accused by A Babe of Very Little Brain of being a peanut who has forgotten its err...peanut shell ever since I was famously featured in The Star (Note to Babe: Has Jasmine ever been featured in The Star? Huh? Has he? HAS HE?).

So I would like to clarify once and for all that I, Pazuzu, have not let fame go to my hea...what do you mean you didn't know I was featured in The Star?

You don't read The Star?

What the fuck kind of MCA member are you?

Never mind. For the benefit of all you morons out there who don't read The Paper That Only Prints Really Really Really Important News So You Have More Time To Read The Ads, I have reproduced the article here:



Click to enlarge


Hah!

You read that?

Huh?

Did you?

Kiss my Trademark Adobe Flash Stickman! KISS IT! (Note To Babe: Does Jasmine have a Trademark Adobe Flash Stickman? Huh? Does he? DOES HE?)

Anyway, now that I'm really famous and have a Trademark and all, I have decided, as all famous people do at some point (usually when they get on Oprah), to "play my part" as a "responsible citizen" and "give something back to society" and "have my picture taken with retarded/sick/old/orphaned people" so I can "look good" and "people will like me" and won't mind in the least when I "use quotation-marks unnnecccesssarily" and refuse to check the actual spelling for "unnnecccasssarily".

And as you all already know, the most underprivileged community in Malaysia, despite what HINDRAF and UMNO will have you believe, is The Chinese Community.
Sure, they may have a natural aptitude for business and making money and becoming rich and all, but the one sector where they lag behind all the other races is in the "Not Giving Myself a Comical-Sounding Name Sector".

Not that other races are much better.

Indians have a tendency to put way too many syllables in their names. I suspect that it's because Indians will always be competitive and try to outdo each other ("Your son's name is Mangolingam? My son's name is Thirumangolingam! Hah! ")
Malays have a tendency to give themselves Government Names like Nuriah. If you ever met someone named Nuriah, your immediate instinct would be to address that person as Puan Nuriah, even if this particular Nuriah happens to be a newborn baby.

The thing is, with Indians and Malays, these unfortunate names are given to them by their parents, probably as a permanent practical joke.

But most Chinese people, as you all know, choose their own bloody names!
Once they reach a certain age, they will suddenly show up in school with a new name-tag and announce to everybody that they no longer wish to be called Wong Wee Lim. "Call me Ricky," they would happily say, and go about their business as though nothing unusual just happened.

Then, sometime around the 80s I think, Chinese people appeared to have simply run out of names. All the Rickys, Jackies, Vickys and Nickys were taken. So, out of desperation, they started using non-names as names. Suddenly, you found yourself being introduced to a Milk Choy or a Prudential Tan or a Coppertone Ooi. My mother once had a student named - I swear I am not making this up - Filofax.

People, this has to stop.

We cannot simply hunch over our beers and pretend that this isn't happening. I believe we have to Do Something. Which is why me and fellow-famous-person Bono have started the "Donate A Name and Save A Chinese Person" worldwide campaign:



(from left) Bono, Me and Chinese Person


And you can play your part too.
All you have to do give an example of a wacky Chinese name and a suitable replacement-name in the comment box below and you could help a Pantomime Chin become a Bob Chin.

To promote this campaign, Bono and I are giving away free T-shirts to all those who donate a name:




I realise some of you don't drink or smoke and probably have no use for the above T-shirt. But that's like saying you won't wear a "Save The Whales" T-shirt because you're not actually a whale. Come on people. Do your bit for your fellow man.

Donate a name in the following format in the comment box:

Wacky Chinese Name: ___________
Suggested Name: _______________
E-mail: __________

and I'll e-mail you a voucher which you can print and redeem for 1 free t-shirt at Bojangles Pub in Desa Sri Hartamas (the road behind Fitness First) while stocks last (if you don't want to display your e-mail in the comment box, you can e-mail me your e-mail and I'll e-mail the voucher to your e-mail. e-mail. e-mail. e-maiStopIt! )

Guys, if all of us do this, then maybe, just maybe, I can get enough Chinese votes to win my election campaign and become your next Prime Minister. Speaking of which:






PUNDAK is back.
You can become a PUNDAK candidate for the General Election. Go here and pick your constituency now!





Monday, December 03, 2007

The Floating Turd Movie

Ever since I released the amateur video of myself talking to someone who may of may not have been Chief Justice Fairuz a few weeks ago, I have received tons of movie offers from well-known directors and porn producers.

Sadly, most of the roles that are on the table are only there because of my, as one famous director puts it - "leading-man good looks".

Listen here and listen good, you superficial Hollywood movie moguls:

I may be good-looking but I'm not just some hunky piece of meat, okay? I have genuine talent, dammit! Also, I will NOT do nudity unless it's for "artistic purposes", okay?

So while waiting for a big-budget script that is worthy of my talents and/or nude body, I have headlined a small independent film made by a well-known director based on a story by a famous writer.

And the movie is about...Me!

Yes. It is the story of my life. It is the story of my struggle against oppresion and people who seek to keep me down. Best of all, it is a story that does not contain the line "Aku tak nak jadi cicak! Aku nak jadi normal!". So you know it's going to be a good movie.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you The Floating Turd Movie:


video

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Drunken Indian Defense




Okay. So you've seen the video. The one that, if you listen to members of the Legal-Community, should bring the Judiciary down to its knees, forcing many judges to turn-in their black housecoats and comical wigs in shame.

Of course, you could argue that it is in fact more shameful to actually want to wear the black housecoat and comical wig to work everyday, but you would be - as you often are - wrong.
You see, in the Upside-Down World of the Law, where Black is sometimes White, Right if often Wrong and Guilty is always refered to in legal terms as Not Guilty, this otherwise-ridiculous attire is a symbol of Honour and Justice and stop laughing, dammit!
I'm being serious here!

Fine.
Read it yourself.

It clearly states in Article 20.2/:( of The Constitution of Malaysia that:

"The Wearer of The Black Housecoat and Wig shall, at all times, discharge his duties with Honour and serve the needs of Justice, insofar as insofar, even if He (or if no Hes are available, She) is laughed at by people wearing normal attire."

There.

So, in light of the revelations in the Lingam Video, The Legal Community is up-in-arms over something or other that besmirches the integrity of the Black Housecoat and Comical Wig.
I like saying besmirches.
Besmirches besmirches besmirches.

Members of the Legal Community are so convinced that this video is whatever, that 2000 lawyers, mistakenly believing that the Prime Minister can read, actually marched to Putrajaya the other day to present a memo to him demanding that Action Be Taken and that Prima Facie Verily Deo Ipsum Loqouituresque!

Imagine that! 2000 lawyers to deliver one memo! Boy, I'd hate to be the sorry schmuck who's going to foot that legal bill. Bloody thieving lawyers.

Meanwhile, The Government, in a response that can only be described as nincompoopy, has appointed a Special Three-Man Panel to ascertain what any pimply-faced Playstation-humping teenager can tell you within minutes:

Whether the tape is authentic or whether it is actually a Pixar-Animation production with the part of VK Lingam played by a guy in a blue-suit, probably the same guy who played Gollum so convincingly in The Lord of The Rings Trilogy.

But let us, you and I, not be morons for a moment and assume that the tape is indeed authentic. Come on. Let's. It's safe. Really.
There are people, usually balding manager-types, who will tell you that it's wrong to assume. They will tell you that when you ASSUME, "you make an ass out of u and me".
Then they will look at you expectantly, like they want you to applaud their superior intellect or something.
These people are idiots and you should point out to them you cannot really make an ass out of u and me. You can make an emu out of u and me. You can make meu, mue, uem, ume or even an eum. But you cannot, no matter how hard you try, make an ass out of u and me.
So the correct phrase should, in fact, be "U, me and an ass can make Assume" which sounds really stupid if said out loud by anyone who isn't Arnold Schwarzenegger.

So, having ascertained that both u and me cannot be made asses, we'll just go right ahead and assume that the tape is authentic. Okay?

Right.

My question to you now is this:

So bloody what?

Look at the video again. Look at the foreground. See that bottle there? Well, let's just say that it's not a bottle of Chili Sauce.

Hah!

Get it?

Chili Sauce?

Because his name is Lingam, you see. And there's a brand of Chili Sauce called fuck it never mind. You're a humourless lot, you are.

Anyway, if my years' of watching CSI have taught me anything, it is that the bottles in question are, in alphabetical order:

1) Dewars (probably White Label, subject to DNA results)
2) Red Wine
3) Sprite (probably to be used as a mixer for the Dewars)

So now let me ask you this:

Which Indian man do you know, having consumed copious amounts of alcohol, has NOT, at some point in his life, called someone up and promised him the Chief Justiceship of Malaysia?

This could've happened to anybody, dammit! And I should know.
This video of me that you're about to see was secretly filmed by some bastard whom I can't remember while I was happily drinking at some place that I can't remember:


Now does this mean that I'm guilty of anything?
Of course not!

Because according to unreliable sources who were also drinking at the time, this conversation was recorded while I was calling a cab to take me home. And I have a vague memory of listening to hold-music (I think it was The Yellow Rose of Texas) throughout the time I was talking.

So all I'm saying is that we should give Lingam the benefit of the doubt. For all we know, he could've been talking to his mother. Or attempting, in his inebriated state, to order a pizza.

Disclaimer:
I'm not suggesting that Lingam was drunk while he made the call. It is entirely up to you to figure that out for yourself. You can mathematically calculate the drunkeness of an Indian using the following formula - 3.14(circumference of hand waving) X voice decible level + number of times the word correct is used.
The higher the number, the more drunk he is.

And if Lingam was, in fact, drunk at the time, then even if he was talking to the judge, he can simply use The Drunken Indian Defense to fight his case.

The Drunken Indian Defense, of course, has been used for years to absolve Indians of any wrongdoing whatsoever by allowing them to quickly plead "I was drunk" when caught. It has successfully been used in many cases where Indians have uttered such damning words as:

"Of course I can sing on stage!"

"I'll pay you back next week"

or, worst of all:

"I, take you to be my lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

Note:
The Drunken Indian Defense, as the name suggests, may only be used by Indians. Chinese people can't use it because they usually pass out after two drinks. And Malays can't use it because, as everybody knows, they...ahem...don't drink.

So, in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we can deduce, using The Drunken Indian Defense, that Lingam is Guilty, which as you already know, according to The Law, actually means Not Guilty.
And with that, the defence rests its case.

Now let's u and me go make an emu.

Monday, August 20, 2007

The Return of The Floating Turd. Seriously.

I guess I should start by explaining my absence:

I've been working on, well, things.

Serious things.

You see, I've come to realise that, in this great country of ours, there are a great many people who are suffering. People who, if the current situation persists, will not be able to afford the basic needs that we take for granted everyday.
And they have no Datins or Miss Universes to take up their cause.

I'm not sure if I can change things. Certainly not on my own.

But I can try.

I figure if more people know about the problem, then more people will be inclined to contribute to The Cause.

So there will be no making fun of politicians in this post.
No travelling through time.
No Weekend Fun.
No uneccessary linking to Lily Liverbird.
No claims to be the descendant of Jesus.
No conversations with God.
No calling up the Selangor State Government to ask if anyone there is having sex.

This entire entry is merely a plea for your attention.
Because with your help, I believe we can, as corny as it sounds, make a change.

So please go here to see what I'm talking about.
And if you can, lend us your support.
Thank you.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Pazuzu In Da House, Yo!

Disclaimer:
This is not a racist post. Being Indian, it is my God-given right to speak, behave and comment on issues that pertain to black people. Ya' dig?


What is up, my fellow Negroes? Have you managed to persuade any bitches and HOs to perform oral sex on you lately? If so, I am pleased for you! Let us engage in an unnecessarily-elaborate handshake ritual immediately!

Okay. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I would like to ask my fellow brethren (especially my Indian brethren) a question. And that question is:

What the fuck?

I mean, don't you have enough problems as it is, you have to pretend that your ancestors were brought here as slaves, and because of that you have to spell your name with numbers and talk in rhymes to generic beats?

Let me say here that I'm not against black music. It's rap I don't get. I can't relate to it.
Black people used to SING about stuff that people could relate to. There was a time when, you'd have a black guy with only a slide-guitar, and he'd be wailing on and on about how he "done drank hisself a bottle of bourbon" because some "Devil-woman done stole his soul".

Now that's something we can all relate to.

But now, we have a bunch of Indian guys in some reality-talent show rapping about how difficult life is "in the hood" and it's all because of "Da Police" or something.

What the hell? What "hood"? Bangsar? Taman Tun? Where?

If you're Indian and you absolutely must rap, can't you rap about something that affects your community?
I mean, Denzel Washington has already won his Oscar, but Acappan hasn't won Best Actor for Whatever Acting Awards Thingy They Have Here, as far as I know. And that is an outrage!
Here's a sample of what would make a good Indian rap:

I climbed to the top of Everest
Then I died, but they won't let me have a Rest
In Peace, Yo!

And that's just off the top of my head.
Idiots.

And don't get me started on you Women. Because I'm going to start anyway:

Some moron MPs make a joke in parliament and you're all pretending to be outraged and shit, but when a black guy raps about leaving his bitches and HOs after they've performed an act that is unmentionable here because it is a family-friendly blog that would never use such words as blowjob, you're all bumping and grinding and humping the dance-floor like you're Beyonce or something.

If the MPs had said it in rap format, would that have made it ok?

Jasin: Batu Gajah leaks every month!
Featuring Beyonce: Uh huh! Uh huh!

Kinabatangan: Batu Gajah leaks every month, yo!
Featuring Beyonce: Fo' Shizzel My Nizzel!

Hah! I could just see all you women throwing your hands in the air and waving them like you just don't care as you read that.

I have many more examples of how you lot have about as much credibility as Vanilla Ice, but unfortunately I'm leaving now to drink myself a bottle of bourbon because some Devil-woman done changed the locks on my door.

Yo.




Soalan Bonus:

What's the deal with 50 Cent? Why does he pronounce his name Fi'ty Cent? Does he have a speech impediment? How come he can pronounce the first F but not the second?

Discuss.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Discussion Question:

If gay people are so oppressed, how come they're always so damn happy?
You don't see the rest of us skipping about the office all the time, do you?

Huraikan.


Disclaimer:
I'm not against gay people, I'm just against exceedingly happy people. Okay? Sheeesh.

Monday, May 07, 2007

OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGod!!!

Guess what? Guess what? Guess what???










Well?










What the hell?












Are you going to guess or not?








Fine. Whatever.
Annnyyyway....guess what? No wait. We just went through that.
So I suppose I should just come out and tell you the good news:

Ahem...I, Pazuzu, have just....OhGosh...I don't know what to say....I mean, this comes as a total surprise...I mean...you see it happen to other people and you think "could it happen to me?"...and then you think "can you use quotation marks for thoughts?"...and then you think maybe I should use italics...and then you think "Fuck it. I'll use both just in case"...


So anyway, as I was saying (I'm saying this out loud as I'm writing, okay? So don't get all technical with me), I, Pazuzu, have just won...




A Thinking Blogger Award!!!


And...


I, Pazuzu, have just won...

A Thinking Blogger Award!!!


No. I'm not drunk and repeating myself.
You see, I have actually won two Thinking Blogger Awards! One for this blog and one for my other blog and one for the little blog who lives down the lane! Which would actually mean that I have won three Thinking Blogger Awards except that that last bit was actually just a really humourous lyrical reference to the song Baa Baa Black Sheep and fuck it, never mind.

Two is enough.
Because, as far as I can tell, no one else, in the history of the world, has ever won TWO Thinking Blogger Awards. I verified this by Googling "Has anybody besides me, Pazuzu, won TWO Thinking Blogger Awards, in, like, the history of the world or anything?" and Google replied that:


Your search - "Has anybody besides me, Pazuzu, won TWO Thinking Blogger Awards, in, like, the history of the world or anything?" - did not match any documents.


If you don't believe me, you can damn well Google it yourself.
And, if Google says I'm the only one, then it must be true.
So, years from now, when some history teacher asks who was the only person to ever win TWO Thinking Blogger Awards and some dumbass kid answers "Gandhi" or something equally moronic, the teacher can whack him or ask him to ketuk-ketampi or administer whatever punishment they deem fit in the future for stupid kids who don't know their history.

Anyway, you might want to know that I received the award for this blog from a mysterious fellow named Mr Incognito who has a blog called Almost Anonymous who presented this award to me while wearing pantyhose over his head:




Photo courtesy of Jeff Ooi



Mr. Incognito then instructed me, at gunpoint, to name five blogs that make me think, before running off in a suspicious manner to a nearby 7-eleven. He did not say what the blogs should make me think of, but since this is a family-friendly blog which does not use dirty words like pipet, buret and penunu, I will resist nominating sex-related blogs like LilyLiverbird's.


So, here are the five blogs that make me think about non-sex-related things:


1) Aisehman - Political blogger who writes about politics in a very non-biased, non-sexual way although he does sometimes use dirty words so you shouldn't read it if you're a prude and can't stomach words like "Khairy".

2) The Road Less Travelled - Politics with humour, which, come to think of it, is not much different from what we get everyday in parliament. But. Oh well.

3) GemmaRose's - This blog boggles my mind. It makes me think "Wasn't there a blog here a few weeks ago?"

4) Potshots - It makes me think "Isn't this the same post I read last month?". I usually read it again anyway.

5) Lim Kit Siang - I never actually read his blog but, as is my right as a Rakyat, I keep tagging him with these ridiculous things to see if he'll respond. He never does. Typical politician.


There are some rules or shit that you poor tagged sods have to follow. They're really boring so I've put them in small print:


Note to tagged bloggers:
Congratulations, you won a Thinking Blogger Award!
Should you choose to participate, please make sure you pass this list of rules to the blogs you are tagging.
I thought it would be appropriate to include them with the meme.
The participation rules are simple:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

Remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all - blogs that really get you thinking!


Oh, and since this is a Thinking Blog, I thought this post should end with something for you to think about. Something like those pictures psychologists show people and then they ask them "So, what does this picture make you think about?".

So I've closed my eyes and just scribbled this random shape from my subconcious which makes me think about gravity and it's effect on the public transportation industry vis-a-vis the financial analysis of the Darfur situation which might be, according to sources who decline to be named, a paradigm shift:













Now think, dammit! Think!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Weekend Fun: Get Lost

For Weekend Fun this week, I suggest you take Monday off and get the hell out of here.
I am.

And in my absence, I am putting A Babe of Very Little Brain in charge of keeping the comment box going, an area in which she has vast experience.

Note to GemmaRose: No insulting me in the comment box till I get back. Not fair if I can't reply.

This is The Floating Turd, Flushing off.
Till next week.