Monday, December 18, 2006
Hey God! One Sugar, Two Creamers!
This post may be offensive to people who adhere to the following principles:
1) Kepercayaan kepada Tuhan
2) Kesetiaan kepada Raja dan Negara
3) Keluhuran Perlembagaan
4) Something that I can't remember at this time
5) Kesopanan dan Kesusilaan
If you are one of these people, please stop reading immediately. Also, please explain what the fuck does "keluhuran" mean.
WARNING PART 2: The Return of the Warning!
This post may also be offensive to Professor Stephen Hawking.
If you know Professor Hawking, please convey my apologies to him, buy him a beer and send me the bill. Then, as he takes a gulp from his mug, tell him that he shouldn't be Drinking and Driving.
Be sure to slap him repeatedly and forcefully on the back so as to convey the message that you are only being humourous, and in no way are you the kind of inconsiderate asshole who would park in a handicapped spot.
PS. If you are Professor Stephen Hawking, I would like to point out several mistakes that you made with regards to the space-time continuum in your otherwise excellent book, A Brief History of Time. I would gladly discuss these mistakes with you over a beer.
Now that that's over and done with, let's get on with the post:
Since I started this blog, many CEOs, heads-of-state and dictators have asked me how I managed to get God as my Secretary (or to use the politically-correct term - Girl Friday).
Well, it all has to do with Physics.
You see, when I was in Form 4, I stumbled upon this intriguing scenario in my Buku Teks Fizik:
Khairy mempunyai 100 biji Guli, yang diberikan kepadanya secara percuma oleh ECM Pisces setelah dia mengahwini anak Perdana Menteri.
Ong mempunyai 200 biji Guli, tetapi menurut Lee Kuan Yew, dia sepatutnya mempunyai 13,453 Guli.
Samy mempunyai 1 Guli, tetapi dia melontarkan gulinya ke arah kepala Subra, yang menyebabkan Subra cedera parah.
Jika Khairy, Ong dan Samy menggulingkan guli mereka di Lebuhraya Utara-Selatan dari Johor Bahru, guli siapakah akan sampai ke Sungei Besi dahulu?
Guli Samy. Kerana guli Khairy dan Ong terpaksa berhenti untuk membayar tol yang dikuasai oleh Samy.
Fascinating, isn't it?
From that moment on I was hooked on Physics! I couldn't get enough of it! Wherever I travelled, I made sure to visit gypsies, who are, as you know, really good Physics!
But no aspect of Physics thrilled me more than the Aspect of Time-Travel.
According to Professor Stephen Hawking in his brilliant book, A Brief History of Time, it is indeed possible to travel through time if one was to "drive a DeLorean at 88mph, provided the DeLorean was powered by plutonium stolen by Libyan terrorists."
I wanted to test this theory out, but I hit a Snag. A very big Snag. Actually, I'm not sure if I hit a Snag or not, since I have no idea what a Snag looks like. If I did hit a Snag, I sincerely apologise to the Snag and the Snag's loved ones.
Anyway, I had obtained a DeLorean and stolen some plutonium from Omar Shariff, who may or may not be a Libyan terrorist, but I figured this was a Minor Detail.
The problem is, I overlooked one Major Detail:
I can't drive.
So it was back to the drawing-board for me. And after Putting My Mind To It, and researching many books on Scientific Mumbo-Jumbo, I am pleased to announce that I have invented:
The Time-Machine for People Who Can't Drive!
My Time Machine relies on the basic Time-Travel Principle that in order to travel through time, you must outrun the speed of light.
Taking this into account, I invented a Time-Machine using a playground slide with a mirror mounted at the top, as the following diagram shows.
Please note that this diagram is accurate right down to the colour used for the skin, unlike many Rascist Time-Machine Diagrams drawn by White People:
The Time-Machine works as follows:
1) At some point, the rays from the sun will hit the mirror and reflect downwards selari with the direction of the slide.
2) When this happens, you have to push yourself Really Hard and make sure you reach the bottom of the slide before the sun-ray does, as the following diagram demonstrates:
So there you have it. My gift to Mankind. And Womankind. And trans-gendered kinds.
Now, I know many of you have been asked this question before:
If you can travel back to any point in time, which point would that be?
And because many of you are stupid, unlike me and Stephen Hawking, you'll answer "The 60s!" or something equally moronic.
You want to know where I travelled to? Huh?
Well, I set the dial on the Time-Machine (I'll tell you how to build the dial in an up-coming post) for 7 days after Creation!
And there, the following conversation took place:
Eve: Hey Adam...like, what's that hanging between your legs?
Adam: I don't know.
Special Effects: WAAAZZZZOOOOMMMM!!!!!
Me: Hello, Eve.
Adam: Who the fuck are you?
Me: I am GOD!!!
Adam: Praise be to You.
Eve: What's that behind you?
Me: That's a playground slide.
Adam: What's a playgro...
Me: SILENCE!!! You know that thing between your legs, Adam? It's really fun to insert it into the mouth of that saber-tooth tiger.
Adam: Okay. Arrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Saber-tooth tiger: Burp
Me: Now, Eve...where were we?
God: HOLD ON! HE'S NOT GOD! I'M GOD!
Me: NO! I'M GOD!
God: HEY! ONLY I'M ALLOWED TO SPEAK IN CAPITAL LETTERS!
Eve: I'm, like, so confused. Who's the real God?
Me: Who're you gonna believe, me or a Talking Burning Bush?
Eve: I guess that makes sense. I mean, come on! A burning bush?
God/Burning Bush: A bit much?
Me: Try not to be such a drama queen, next time.
God: But you're taking credit for MY WORK, I dammit! I worked on this shit for 6 whole days!
Me: What can I say? Life's not fair.
God: Bastard. So if you're God, what am I supposed to be?
Me: You can be my Secretary.
God: I believe the politically-correct term is Personal Assistant.
Me: Then how come they don't call Secretaries' Day Personal Assistant's Day?
God: You've got a point there. So where are you taking me for Secretaries' Day?
Me: I hear Siti's performing at The Hilton.
God: I hate Siti.
Me: I'll let you Smite her.
God: Yayyyyy!! You're the best boss ever!
Me: I know. Go get me some coffee.
Eve: What about me?
Me: I've other plans for you...come here...mmmmmmm
Eve: Oh God...yessss
And so you see, because of my Intervention in History, everybody's happy now.
And maybe Professor Stephen Hawking.
If they complain, I'll just tell them my Secretary works in mysterious ways.