Friday, December 15, 2006

101 Uses for Cats: Cat-as-Trophy

I fucking hate cats.

Note to The RSPCA:
Before the lot of you start taking to the streets in the nude and holding up signs that say "I'd rather go naked than visit www.thefloatingturd.blogspot.com", i urge you to diet. Nobody wants to see you in the buff. Really.
Also, I urge you to read the reason why I hate cats. I'm sure, if you have an open mind, you'll see that my argument makes perfect sense.

I hate cats because they are Reincarnated Nazis.

Think about it.

The bloody things strut about as if they're a Superior Race, like the reason everything else exists is To Serve Them.

Also, when you're eating your Nasi Lemak at the warung, the bloody things will stare at you as though you owe them money or something.
And if you don't give them a piece of your Ayam Rendang, they'll think nothing of jumping up on the table and taking it from you. Without asking for permission.

Even rats have the courtesy to wait until after you've finished eating before stealing your food, dammit.


For more information on why rats are better than cats, i urge you to watch the excellent documentary "Itchy and Scratchy".
Also, you can check out "Tom and Jerry", but I recommend you watch earlier episodes, when the characters couldn't talk. The newer, soulless version has given the cat and mouse voices, to cater to children nowadays, who are too stupid to use their imaginations.

Note to Self:
Future post topic: Has the Road-Runner run away for good?


Anyway, as I was saying,

Shit. What was I saying?

Oh yes.

I fucking hate cats.

They serve no discernible purpose in The Great Scheme of Things.

But, as Someone Who Is Very Concerned About The Way The World Is Turning Out, I intend to change that.

As such, I hereby suggest 101 Uses For Cats. I will reveal these uses one at a time, so as to keep you, my dear Loyal Reader who Clearly Has Nothing Better to Do, on tenterhooks.

I like saying tenterhooks. Tenterhooks tenterhooks tenterhooks. What the fuck are tenterhooks anyway?

Note to Self:
Look up tenterhooks


So;

As promised, the first proposed Use for Cats is:




Catball: The Cat-as-Trophy!




Catball is played like Football, or as the Americans like to call it, Huh?.

It will be played with 11 Men on each side. (Why only Men, you might ask. Well, because Women stopped reading this post after the first sentence and have left their desks to go and hug a tree somewhere.)

But instead of a ball, the game will be played with...are you on tenterhooks yet?...A CAT, as the following diagram demonstrates:


(image by Michaelangelo, courtesy of The Louvre, Paris)



The objective of the game is for players to chase the cat until it runs into the opponents' goal. The other team (Bolton) has to Defend by blocking the run of the cat.

The team that manages to chase the cat into the opponents' goal the most times wins, as the following diagram shows:


(image by Leonardo, courtesy of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Note to The RSPCA:
I am not a Cruel Bastard. The players will NOT be allowed to kick the cat. Players who do so will receive a Yellow Card. Players who kick the cat Really Hard will receive a Red Card. Okay? Now put your clothes back on.

At the end of the season, the team with the most points will win the prestigious Cat-as-Trophy, so named because I can't think of a better pun.

So there you have it.

Use Number 1 for Cats. Only 100 to go! Bet you're waiting on tenterhooks for Use Number 2 - Cat-a-Tonic!

Right?

Right???

Oh well...

Note to RSPCA:
You wanna piece of me? YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME??? I'm right here! Bring it on! I'll shove a tenterhook up your naked ass!

15 comments:

lilyliverbird said...

I've always maintained cats are the real bitches. They are only nice to you when they are hungry. Otherwise, they just sit there with their nose in the air ignoring you.

y said...

lets see you male species try to outsmart them cats now.

Rt Hon Sir Cipan Nougat-Tenuk said...

I love cats.

They purr when you pet them.

When you stroke their fur just right, they turn over and spread their legs.

Why shouldn't I love them?

:D

pazuzu said...

lily,
you're agreeing with me? shhuiyt, i cannnt types proplyu with all thesee flying pigs aroounfd!

y,
huh?

sir cipan,
i really was talking about cats. really. no realllyyy.

Rae's Nightmare said...

I love cats especially lyno and pantero from the thundercats. Btw, pantero sounds like pantek. Oh well...

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