Monday, December 11, 2006

Where Men Go While Women Wait to Come

If you're one of the millions of people worldwide who have read this blog (the zeroes can't display properly on the SiteMeter below), then you would have noticed that I have something of a dispute going on with a certain Lily Liverbird.

This dispute stems from the fact that I am always right and she is always wrong.

And as A Man (I'm talking about the dictionary definition of A Man, which is "a person who refuses to acknowledge the existence of Laundry Detergent", not the current definition which seems to be "a person who is a poncy little fart"), I reserve the right to write long sentences in parentheses.

Also, as A Man, I am offended by her constant ridiculing of my gender's ability to perform in the sack.

So I have bravely taken it upon myself to write here today in defence of:

The 3-Minute Man

You see, because of some serious miscalculations on the part of my secretary (or God, as many of you know Him), men will achieve an orgasm in under 3 minutes.

Women, on the other hand, will achieve an orgasm (according to Dr. M) in the year 2020. If all goes well and the Current Administration doesn't fuck things up.

This is in no way the fault of Men. In fact, the blame for this imbalance can be placed squarely on the ample bosom of Female Inefficiency.

That's right. Men achieve orgasm faster for the simple reason that we have other things to do, dammit!
Important things!
Things That Will Change The World!
History is filled with examples of how men have changed the world by coming fast. And since I can't, offhand, think of what those examples are, I will cite the most famous one:

Mrs Einstein arched her back as Einstein thrust his throbbing manhood into her.

"Oh Yes," said Einstein.

"Oh Yes," said Mrs Einstein.

"Oh Yes Yes Yes" said Einstein.

"Oh Yes" said Mrs Einstein.

"Oh YesYesYesOhGodYesYesYes" said Einstein.

"Oh Yes" said Mrs Einstein.

"Oh YesYesYesYesYesYes OhGodOhGodOhGod" said Einstein.

"What?" said God.

"Oh Yes" said Mrs Einstein.

"Oh YesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYes" said Einstein.

"Oh Yes" said Mrs Einstein.

"Oh YesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYesYeeeeeeessssssssssss
Ahhhhhhhhhh!" said Einstein.

"Huh?" said Mrs Einstein.



So you see, from the above passage (taken from the book Einstein: Beyond the Hair, written by Ashley Cole) we can make two very important deductions. That:

1) Einstein has come

2) Mrs. Einstein hasn't

What the moron Ashley Cole doesn't reveal in his book are the thoughts that went through both Einstein's and Mrs Einstein's heads directly after this incident.
Through extensive research, I am now able to reveal these thoughts to you.
I have also helpfully highlighted Mrs Einstein's thoughts in pink and Einstein's in blue, a system that has been used for years to help men and women figure out which toothbrush belongs to whom.

That's it? That's it?

E=?

What an insensitive bastard!

E=m something, hmmmmm.....

I put up with all his shit...do his fucking laundry...

E=mC X a(opp+u know me)?

...and this is how he treats me?

E=mC + XXL?

Fucking bastard! First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna post a comment on liverbirdforever.blogspot.com

E=mC2!!!!! Eureka!!!!!



So there you have it.

Irrefutable Evidence.

While Mrs Einstein was whining away about her lack of pleasure, Einstein had efficiently come and gone on to discover E=mC2, which is, as you know, the secret formula for Coca-Cola.

The importance of this discovery cannot be over-emphasised (have you ever heard anyone order a JD-Pepsi?).

So, my fellow Men, I urge you now to Stand Up, Fart, and Head To Your Neighbourhood Bar.

There, you will find Other Men.

Slap one of them on the back forcefully and say:

"Last night I had sex and I came in 52 seconds!"

Then Buy A Round and Raise A Glass and say:

"Here's to Male Efficiency!"

They will agree with whatever you say because you have Bought A Round and they hope that you will Buy Another.

If we all do this, together, who knows what we can achieve?

A cure for cancer?

Peace on Earth?

A shaver that has not one, not two, but THREE blades for a smoother shave?

A way to move the 2 up when you type E=mC2 in Blogger?

The possibilities are like women's complaints.

Endless.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good gawd!!! Unbelievable...

lilyliverbird said...

Works both ways actually.

I managed to invent a testicle crusher while waiting for the 2 mins 59 secs to be up.

Anonymous said...

seriously disturbing.iskk


-sofee-

cik borro said...

so, you come out with all these theories while busy being 'efficient'? wow, great job man!

Pantani's 2nd Cousin said...

You are The Man. Most of us have enough of those male bashing blogs. You represent!!!!!! Pazuzu for President.

Look at the comments before me. Ignore them. They are just a bunch of manhaters who can't come no matter how long it takes.

Y. said...

I should have been a man..

pazuzu said...

anon,
...but true.

Lily,
to counter your testicle-crusher I have invented the testicle-crusher crusher.
Hah!

sofee,
the truth often is.

cik borro,
I'm the poster boy for efficiency.

pantani,
President huh? hmmmm...

y,
there, there. at least we allow you to vote.

pazuzu said...

anon,
...but true.

Lily,
to counter your testicle-crusher I have invented the testicle-crusher crusher.
Hah!

sofee,
the truth often is.

cik borro,
I'm the poster boy for efficiency.

pantani,
President huh? hmmmm...

y,
there, there. at least we allow you to vote.

Rt Hon Sir Cipan Nougat-Tenuk said...

Aiyah pazuzu,

Why fight them? Waste of time and energy which should be used for eating nookie.

A Real Man knows that what he can't (or don't have time to do) himself, he delegates!

So surf over to my update and find out how Real Men can delegate this task and get on with their real work.

BTW y'all can pass on to me all your gf phone nos so I can make sure they're happy with the service they're getting ... :P

pazuzu said...

sir cipan,
we invented the tools for delegation as well.
here's a number: 03-9057 5757. If a woman answers and asks if you want a "taxi", don't worry. It's code. :p

Fake Hepburn said...

Do you think it will be healthier for the society and our beloved country in general if there were 3-minute woman as well? Discuss.

a babe of very little ........ said...

you know what .. you may be a turd that sucks but i'll never complain even when you do it under 3 minutes.

Su-Yin said...

Alt + 0178 = ²

pazuzu said...

hepburn,
we're working on an invention that'll do precisely that.

babe,
that's what u all say. sigh.

suyin,
smartass.

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