Sunday, January 28, 2007

Calling All Heroes: Spray It, Don't Say It

Okay. So the Prime Minister has woken up, said something about Bloggers not being above the law, and gone back to sleep.

And Boogers United are all going ga-ga, saying that his statement is sub-judice (which is latin for prima-facie (which is Aramaic for Verily) ).

At the risk of jeapordising my popularity (10 hits on Saturday, 16 on Sunday! Wooohoooo!), I have to say that I agree with the Prime Minister.
No one is above the law.
Not even Steven Seagal, who acted in the Oscar-nominated movie, Above The Law. Or was that Van-Damme? Maybe it was Dolph Lundgren.


The point is, The BlogoSfera was never the Rhombus of Free-Speech that Boogers United made it out to be in the first place.
No such place exists.

So, in order to take back this country from litigious tyrants, we at An Arsenal of Bloggers are taking this fight out of the BlogoBujur and onto the streets.
Because if this War is to be won, then we must win it outside the Kuboid of the law.

We must become more than just bleary-eyed men sitting in front of a computer at 2am.
We must become:
Masked Vigilantes of Free-Speech.

Now I know what you Boogers United people are saying. Because you've been saying it loud and clear since this whole fiasco began:
You're saying that wearing a mask is cowardly. That being anonymous is wussy and that Real Men use their Real Names and that that yaddayaddayadda...

In fact, Booggers United have been sending angry letters to everyone from Keluang-man to Cicak-Man, asking them to "come out". I have evidence of this in my possession, which I am plagiarising here:


Bloggers United,
The Blogosphere,
29 JANUARY 2007


The A&W Bear,
A&W Restaurant,
Near Waikiki,
Petaling Jaya

Dear Bear,

RE: Come out, come out, whoever you are

With regards to the above matter, it has come to our attention that you are, in fact, a bear who is wearing a bear costume.

We at Bloggers United find this to be a cowardly act, and urge you to immediately reveal your real self, like other courageous bears who have thus far been fighting for the cause in their actual God-given fur.

Take for example Yogi Bear, who for years has been courageously stealing pickenick baskets.
Did Yogi Bear need a Bear Costume?
Even though he knew he could get in trouble with The Ranger, Yogi never once hid under the cover of Anonymity.

As such, we urge you to emulate Yogi and other such bears, and join us in whatever.

Your Sincerely,

Bloggers United


I don't know about you, but when I read that letter, I was pissed-off.
What gives Boogers United the right?

Bloggers aren't the first people to discover an avenue for Free Speech under an oppressive government.
No Sirreee.

That honour belongs to a group of people who for years have been writing in the privacy of toilet stalls.
Who have, somehow, found the courage to throw their rubbish directly under the "Dilarang Membuang Sampah Merata-Rata" signs.
Who, under the cloak of darkness, have found the time to spray paint Maniam loves Loga on the road behind Giant in Kelana Jaya.

The true flame-bearers of Free Speech:
The Graffiti Guys.

And unlike Bloggers United, they never did it for fame and glory. Till this day, no one knows who these anonymous heroes are.

So my friends, if, like me, you want to write lewd and filthy things about people in power, I urge you to take to the streets with a can of spray-paint tonight.

"But Pazuzu," you're asking me. "What if people see me?"
Well, I thought you'd never ask.

You see, I have the perfect disguise:

As you can see, looking like this, people will immediately recognise who you are.

But by merely putting on a ski-mask, everyone will think that you're a grass-cutter and ignore you.

And by simply modifying the grass-cutting machine like this, no one will suspect that, instead of cutting grass, you're actually out on a night of courageous Free Speeching.

Note: You might want to start off on simpler messages, like this.

* Disclaimer: Please note that when I say grass, I am talking about rumput and not Najis Dadah. Do you understand? Jauhilah Diri Dari Najis Dadah! Or else you will turn into a tengkorak like in those cool government posters from the 80s.

If you're an amateur Graffiti Guy, and you don't know what to write, feel free to plagiarise and mix&match from these selection of words which I have helpfully compartmentalised in this graph:

Thanks to me, you once again have a purpose in life.

But remember:
With Great Power comes Great Responsibility.
Up up and away!
I am Aquaman and everybody hates me!
To the Batmobile!

This is Pazuzu, wishing all anonymous, masked heroes a night of Happy Free-Speeching.


lilyliverbird said...

Konek Ko Di Hisap Israel!

Buntut Ko Di Liwat Oleh Azizan!

He he.

a babe of very little brain said...

i'm practising my right to freespeech in here: I LOVE YOOOOUUUUUU OH PAZOOOOOZOOOOOOOO ....

tooooooots said...

my hero!!!
*bats eyelashes*

oh we love u, we really love u!

A&W bear said...

Thank you, O kind brother, for highlighting my plight.

I have suffered in silence for years, so much that you don't see me that often, and people don't even care to complain that my coney dog doesn't look like the photo on the menu board.

mat rempit terjemah bahasa rahsia said...

Why do you even bother, when the courts themselves are diarhoeating (sp?) on the issue?


BUD = have you looked at the shape of your anus lately?

pazuzu said...

I have checked with Dewan Bahasa and they said that your use of Di here is wrong. Di, in this case, should be used to refer to a place, as in:

Konek Ko Di Paraguay


Buntut Ko Di Sungai Buloh

Sekian Terima Kasih. :p

You have so much speech to give to everyone, that it shouldn't be free.:p

Aw Shucks. I'm a hero? I guess I should start wearing my underwear on the outside.
Wait a minute...What Underwear?

A&W Bear,
Hey Bear.Bring back those chilled mugs u used to have lah. Enough of this wussy paper cups that you use nowadays! Stupid Bear.

Mat Rempit,

Rt Hon Sir Cipan Nougat-Tenuk said...

Aiyah Brader Paz,

How can u be such a putz and forget JILAT in your beginner's guide?

As one formerly of the legion of unseen (and thus unsung) wall sprayers (paint is optional), I would like to point out that this particular tool was in constant employ during our nocturnal sojourns.

The word, I mean - the tool used for spraying being employed very judiciously always (and with its proper protective wear).

There should also be a Fourth Column for the list of "By Whoms", in order to enhance active Verbs of the Third Column.

Example, "Jubo Sir Alex dihisap ... Rottweiler/Cristina/Jose/Sepp Blatter/all of the above".

ART transcends ALL.

Leen Ash Burn said...


Were you the ones who was responsible for "Crayonz Kidz love Convent Girls" graffitti near our school?

pazuzu said...

sir cipan,
my guide for beginners only lah. For those who aren't pros like u and me, we need to start them slow.
Baby steps.
The Advanced Guide is available but you have to pay me.
Free Speech ain't free, bro.

:D I remember that! And something about Aretha Mascarole or something.
But it wasn't me.
My work could be found in Bukit Chagar flats and Holiday Plaza.
A sample:

XXX was a big fat Sikh,
Who looked liked he swallowed a brick,
He looked down one day,
And to his dismay,
Could not even see his own dick.

I know-I know. Pretty bad. But I was young.

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