Friday, February 02, 2007

Weekend Fun: Fame, Fortune and Free Speech



Okay-okay.
I know it's late.

I know I promised you, my Adoring Fans, a Weekend Fun entry every Thursday or Friday so that you won't go bonkers and kill yourself or something.
To those of you who have already killed yourselves, I sincerely apologise - it won't happen again unless it happens again.

For the rest of you, this late episode of Weekend Fun is extra-special.
Because I'm going to show you how to have fun while becoming famous and, consequently, rich.

As you already know, being a Malaysian, you are an insignificant little speck of something with no rights whatsoever.
Even in the BlogoBujur, there is no avenue for you to be heard without being sued.
In my last post, I showed you how you can overcome this becoming a Masked Vigilante Graffiti Guy.
However, while this is a fun way to be heard, it won't make you famous and/or rich.

So this week's Weekend Fun is dedicated to my readers who want to "have their cake and eat it too."
Here's what you do. You should become a:

Protest-Gatecrasher

As you know, the streets these days are often filled with protesters holding up manila-cards with messages of whatever.
This is a really fun way to spend a day while at the same time annoying the hell out of everyone except the people the messages are intended for:



Malaysia is fast becoming advanced in the area of Creative Protesting.




But we still lag behind countries like the UK. This guy who scaled the walls of Buckingham Palace in a Batman suit should have been Time Magazine's Person of the Year. Stupid Time Magazine.


Before you gatecrash a protest, you must decide on two important things:

1) What protest to gatecrash
2) What your message will be

What protest to gatecrash

You must choose your protest very carefully.
Choosing the wrong protest to gatecrash could end up with you being in hospital or worse - dead.
Here are a few helpful hints:




Never gatecrash a protest where the protesters are predominantly Indian. They are never a happy bunch (see above) and will think nothing of bludgeoning you to death with a bottle (empty) of Guinness Stout.



If you want your message to stand out from the crowd, a Chinese protest is always ideal. As you can see, nobody understands what the hell they're protesting about. This will make your banner/manila-card more "eye-catching".



The Malay Woman* Protest is always the best and easiest to gatecrash. They don't look the least bit interested in what they're protesting about and thus won't mind at all if you decide to "tumpang glamor".


So now that you've selected a protest to gatecrash, you must decide on:

What Your Message Will Be

When choosing a message, you must make sure your message is completely irrelevant to whatever the actual protest is about.
This way, passers-by will notice your message because it will be the "odd one out".

The protesters might get irritated that you're using the publicity generated by them to further your own personal cause.
Kindly point out to them that you have as much right to be there as they do and they can't do jack-shit to you.

You might also want to decorate your sign with colourful Christmas-lights to make your sign even more stand-outish, as this example shows:




Your message could be socially-driven. And it could be used to highlight a politically-incorrect phrase which is offensive to minorities:




Or, if you are a victim of vicious rumours, your message could be a personal rebuttal of those rumours:




Or, if the protest is shown on TV and you need to get in touch with someone who has switched off his handphone, something like this will do:



In fact, your sign can say just about anything, provided it has nothing to do with what the protesters are protesting.

This way, you could become Noticed, paving the way for you to become famous and sign lucrative sponsorship deals with advertisers who are starved for local celebrities to endorse their products.

Another way for you to become famous without actually doing anything useful is to become Paris Hilton.
Since this is technically impossible for most of us, I have another suggestion:

Invade The Malaysian Subconcious

To do this, first, you have to stake out the TV3 building.
When you see a news-van pulling out of the building, tail it until they reach their destination.
When they have set-up for their news story, you should stand in the background and wave to the camera, like this:



If the news-people complain, kindly point out to them that you have as much right to be there as they do and they can't do jack-shit to you.

The following week, do the same thing with other news-channels like NTV7, 8TV, Al-Jazeera and Astro. You may skip RTM, which nobody watches anyway.

If you do this for a few months, your face will become embedded in the collective subconcious of all Malaysians.
Wherever you go, people won't know who you are, but they will believe that you're famous because they have "seen you somewhere before".

If you happen to be spotted by an advertiser, he/she will immediately think you're famous without knowing why, and offer you a lucrative sponsorship deal because they are starved for local celebrities who haven't been caught for khalwat yet.

So there you have it.
This week's installment of Weekend Fun, Fame, Fortune and Free-Speech.
That's four "Fs" for you. In one post!
Here's another one. For free:

Flush-off.

---------------------------------------------------------

* I realise I'm generalising about Malay Women here. I'm sure not all Malay Women will be so accepting if you gatecrash their protest. For example, if you happen to see Lily Liverbird at a protest, you should forget about gatecrashing and run away. Seriously. Don't let her size fool you. She will hurt you. Bad.

23 comments:

sicko said...

but i thot lilybirdie is wanita melayu ayu terakhir.

pazuzu said...

sicko,
I've seen grown men, and I'm talking MD and CEO-types, cower at the prospect of her kutukan.
She's not afraid of anyone. Except me.

princesswaffzonkle said...

pwoar lily so power. why she takut only u pazuzu?

Stevie G said...

I protest the change to Tanjung Native American.

It should be Tanjung Niggah or Tanjung African American, dammit.

Stevie Gunasegaran
President
LFC Fan Club,
Cawangan Brickfields

lilyliverbird said...

Oik. Wot you mean you're not afraid of me? Please remember I'm just the right size to Zidane your balls :D

But I won't. I'd rather belittle you and make you cry.

a babe of very little brain said...

1. tell us more about lily's size.

2. you wrote: "You may skip RTM, which nobody watches anyway." - zam maidin, if he reads this, will issue a press statement to rebut your claim and he will quote adex, ratings, wajah newscasters yg lawa, pretty backdrops, harjit s hullon, hasbola awang etc etc etc ...

good luck!

pazuzu said...

princesswaff,
Lily is terrified of the wonderful aroma that emanates from my unwashed t-shirts and shoes.

stevie g,
I think Tanjung Tupac is catchier.

Lily,
You don't scare me! I have no secret 2nd wife for you to make fun of at social functions.

Babe,
1)I'd tell you more but I don't want to have my balls Zidaned.

2)The only thing worth watching on RTM is the test pattern after transmission ends. So colourful! I think Zam smokes up and watches it every night.

mat sempit yang pelupa said...

can we also protest to remove prosperity burger from mcds forever. every year during cny i buy that damn thing, and every year i discover (like the previous year) that it sucks ass.

I oso want to change the peribahasa 'janji keling'. how racist! can we change it to 'janji grago' instead? my serani cousins never keep their word anyway!

pazuzu said...

mat sempit,
Agree 100%. I think there's an anti-toll demo going on somewhere his week. I look forward to seeing you there.

lilyliverbird said...

do you remember that time I introduced you to my friend and told her not to bother with you cause you have no shoes :D

Leen Ash Burn said...

My father watches RTM. But that's only because she's trying not to get my mom to watch football so that later he can watch snooker/golf/darts.

And they wonder why I grew up so salah.

pazuzu said...

Lily,
I have shoes, dammit. They just look like slippers. Please tell your friend that.

Leen,
Since I'm a classy kinda guy, I won't point out the obvious mistake in your comment which could potentially open up a Pandora's Box of jokes.
And don't blame your parents.
I think you grew up salah because you went to Convent JB. :p

[V]landa said...

There is NOTHING wrong with Convent JB!!!!

pazuzu said...

vlanda,
Yes yes. Nothing except your poor taste in guys (St. Jo & SAB boys? Puh-leeeze!)
Note to St. Jo and SAB boys: Tak pua'ti, bawak budak lu jumpa budak gua kat Sungai Segget la.

Keropok said...

I protest the current Polis clampdown on protests.

Where do I sign up?

a babe of very little brain said...

didn't know leen's dad's a female.

aah the test patterns. used to be so fascinated by it when i was a kid. and they had nice songs too.

[V]landa said...

Wot nonsense. It's always EC boys for me.

SAB boys lack class.[tak puas hati, gi jumpa Pazuzu kat Segget. Tak pun Leen will be waiting for you at P.O]

pazuzu said...

keropok,
wait till rush hour, then stand next to a traffic cop and hold up your sign.

babe,
test pattern's classic. They're the only channel that hasn't changed it since...well...forever.
Please don't ask what I'm doing checking out test patterns in the wee hours.
I won't have a satisfactory answer.

vlanda,
Damn right. I will kick me some SAB ass!

Leen Ash Burn said...

ROFL. Damn. That's not even typo, that's pure stupidity. I blame my perverted Chemistry form four teacher because I can.

Actually yeah, we go for EC Boys. They're the best out of the worst :P

(Ylanda: PO kalu bukan aku tunggu, adik aku tunggu).

pazuzu said...

Leen,
What the hell? If you all went for EC Boys, how come nobody went for me!
I even wore shoes those days, dammit.

Sir-Cipan_wotnot_n_d_other said...

Leen's father is female and she wonders if she grew up salah?

Do all Convent JB girls have female fathers, then?

sir_cipan_without_tenuk said...

Pazu,

If the Convent girls never went for you, it's because you spend a lot of time waiting beside Sg Segget ... duh?

Aryan guys, on the other hand, will tell you to meet up with us beside the police station.

:D

pazuzu said...

sir cipan,
spending enough time near sungai segget will cause you to have a manly scent that is irresistible to the female species.
How else do you explain the many Lai-lai chinese aunties across the road offering a "haircut" to men in broad daylight?