Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Pazuzu: The First Indian Prime Minister of Malaysia Since Mahathir (Allegedly)

In the interest of not being sued, every full-stop that appears in this post, and all posts before it represents the word Allegedly.
So in the case of the sentence you just read, it should be read as follows: In the interest of not being sued, every full stop that appears in this post, and all posts before it represents the word Allegedly allegedly.
In the case of the sentence you just read after the sentence you just read...(allegedly allegedly allegedly), it should be read as, fuck it. You get the picture.
So if you're reading this post out loud, as most people do, and you fail to say Allegedly in place of the full-stops, don't blame me if you get sued or arrested or killed.........................

Okay. On with the post.

In the laterestest Bloggers United Update, the movement, which is fast gaining popularity, did something so bold, so revolutionary that yadayadayadayadayouknowwhat?
We at An Arsenal of Bloggers are sick and tired of all this whinging and whining about Free Speech and Human Rights and whatever and shit.
Blogging about it won't do a damn thing. Are you listening to me, Bloggers United? Should I fling a pizza at you to get your attention?

Talk is cheap.

At An Arsenal of Bloggers, we are committed to Action. We intend to do something about the State of the Country.
So I, Pazuzu, President of An Arsenal of Bloggers, am hereby announcing my candidacy for the Dictatorship of Malaysia.
It's time this country was run by someone with balls. And since, due to a genetic deformity, I have three, I'm as good a candidate as any.

As Dictator of Malaysia, I will immediately introduce steps to eliminate whatever it is that everybody is complaining about. We'll start with:

Step 1: Electoral Reform

Apparently, the present election system is so screwed up that you can only be the Next Prime Minister of Malaysia by marrying the current Prime Minister's daughter. While in theory, this is an excellent idea, the problem lies in its implementation.
There are people (probably communists) who think this system is unfair and not at all "transparent".

Here is how I will tackle the problem:

As Dictator, it will be be my constitutional right to have a concubine consisting of female TV3 newsreaders. These newsreaders will provide me with many daughters.

When I am ready to step down, I will cry at my party's General Assembly, and then, after the slightest bit of persuasion, reconsider my decision and step down a year later.

During this year, all TV Networks will carry a reality show called For Love or Power.

This show will feature a daughter of my choice who will be matched with 10 potential suitors.

Each week, you, Joe and Jiminy Public, will get to choose, via sms, which contestant gets eliminated. That's democracy at work right there.

The contestant who you think Loves my daughter the most should be eliminated first.

The last remaining contestant, the one who will go on to become my son-in-law, will be the contestant who really wants to marry her for Power.

And he will be Heir-to-the-Dictatorship.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking "How is this different from what is happening now?"

Well, the difference is, You, Joe and Jujube Public, get to vote on who becomes my son-in-law. Stupid.

Surely you agree that this is a much better system than the one we have now. Right?

Exactly. So that's settled then.

Which brings us to:

Step 2: Errrrr...Hold On.

I have just received some very exciting news. Apparently, there is a Sale! going on in Johor Bahru. Everything must go! 90% off! Karaoke Bars are offering happy hours all night long! Prostitutes are going for 20...No, 15...No, 10 Ringgit an hour!

Okay. Now wait for it...

Wait for it...



Now that I've gotten rid of all my Singaporean readers, I can proceed to tell you about:

Step 2: The Invasion of Singapore

Our media, as you already know, has been infiltrated by Agents from Singapore. This is very bad for some reason.
Because of this, Bloggers United, in a move that can only be described as "wussy", has decided to boycott said media.
As Dictator, I intend to nip the problem in the bud. Because as you know, buds are where problems should be nipped.
And the bud, in this case, is Singapore.

So naturally, we need to nip Singapore and take back what is rightfully ours, which is...well...Singapore.
But this won't be easy.
Our Army will be powerless against the might of The Singaporean Armed Forces.
This is because Singaporeans are trained during National Service to fight for their country.
Malaysians, on the other hand, are trained during National Service to sing patriotic songs, which, unless you sing really badly, is useless in the heat of the battle.

So we need a really good military strategy if we are to defeat the Enemy and win the war.
Thankfully, having watched the movie Troy, I am a really good military strategist.

Here is my plan:

Top-Secret: The Trojan Balloon Parade

Singaporeans love parades. Evidence of this is The Singapore National Day Parade, an event that causes Singaporeans to become so overcome with patriotism that they immediately head across the causeway to get the hell away from Singapore.

Taking advantage of this love for parades, Malaysia (as a conciliatory gesture) will hold a Million Malaysian March across the causeway. We will all carry conciliatory balloons.

But what the Singaporeans will not know is that the balloons will be blown by Malaysian smokers, who will fill the balloons with second-hand-smoke.
You see, over the years, Singaporeans have evolved into organisms that will drop dead immediately after a whiff of cigarette smoke.

So, as a participant of the Million Malaysian March , when you arrive across the causeway, smile and give your conciliatory balloon to a Singaporean, like this:

Then take out a pin and pop the balloon.
The subsequent release of second-hand-smoke will immediately kill him/her as the following diagram shows:

After we've conquered Singapore, as a mark of our sovereignty, we will blow up the causeway and build half-a-bridge to nowhere.

To officiate its opening, we will invite all Mat Rempits to race across the bridge without telling them that it isn't really a complete bridge.

So you see, in one fell swoop, and without knowing what the hell a fell swoop* is, I would have restored our sovereignty and gotten rid of all the Mat Rempit as well.

No-No. No need to thank me. I'm just doing my job as your elected Dictator.
You may, however, show your appreciation by singing the following patriotic song:


Once a upon a time,
This country was a zoo,
Then he came along,
The Great Pazuzu!

Just the men:

Before, we sold our country,
Like a bloody whore,
But with Pazuzu,
We conquered Singapore!

Just the women:

Oh how we all
want to marry him,
If only he didn't write,
Under a pseudonym.

Just The NST:

We promise that
we won't sue
An Arsenal of Bloggers
And their leader Pazuzu!

All together Now:

Naa Na Na,


According to my research which I am plagiarising here, the phrase "one fell swoop" has Shakespearean origins:

Shakespeare either coined the phrase, or gave it circulation, in Macbeth, 1605:
MACDUFF: [on hearing that his family and servants have all been killed]

All my pretty ones?
Did you say all?
O hell-kite! All?
What, all my pretty chickens and their dam
At one fell swoop?

Okaaayyy...that explains a lot.
As Dictator of Malaysia, I will ban bloody Shakespeare.


Queen Pazuzu said...

i want to be your Queen

Mr Hobo said...

you can up my crack dude ... i mean you crack me up dude ... can join your party or not? I can be your yes man .... and soon to be in power

Rt Hon Sir Cipan Nougat-Tenuk said...

Proposed Cyber-League:

Bloggers United
An Arsenal of Bloggers
Bloggers Chelcesspit

Maybe can get Citibank to sponsor, no?

[V]landa said...

You are hot. Allegedly.

lilyliverbird said...

can i be your first semi-Indian woman minister?

i will banish all the other 3", 3 min men to singapore.

You'll be a stud mate.

Leen Ash Burn said...

Oh since you are not allegedly the first Prime Minister after Mahathir, I will now have to blackmail you. If I do not get a Hunky Manly Man and Directorship at a very profiting GLC (is this an oxymoron? heh heh), I will tell people what you used to do at that dark corner in Star 1. The Uncle Ais Cream told me one what you did.

Lily Vindaloo Veloo said...

Mr Prime Minister,
Can I have a toll booth or two?

pazuzu said...

can can. But u must be a TV3 Newsreader first. That's the way Malaysian politics goes, I'm afraid.

Mr Hobo,
Everyone can join my party. Bring Your Own Booze, though.

Sir Cipan,
Will welcome the rest. But will never accept Bloggers United and Chelcesspit. It's a matter of principle.

that is a fact. Proveable in court. No Allegedly.

You can be Menteri Nilai-nilai Murni dan Hal-Ehwal Bilik Tidur.

I will tell everyone about what you Convent Girls used to proposition us decent EC boys in the Post-Office bus stop after school. Tsk Tsk.

Sorry. Samy Vellu will still be in my cabinet. There's no way of getting rid of him. Many have tried. They're now all dead.

Keropok said...

If there are openings for any spitters - assuming you get rid of KY Lim, the ever slippery - I would like to apply please.

I'll be a very diligent, disciplined Minister. If I see a hole anywhere, I will look into it.

pazuzu said...

True KY Lim story:

When I was a stringer last time, I was covering a function where KY Lim was supposed to give a speech to Rubber Plantation Managers or something.
But, I think he had a bit to drink during the cocktail reception, and in his speech, instead of talking about rubber, he talked about bananas.
It was so embarrasingly funny.
They didn't let me run the story though.

Anyway, you can replace him. Provided you can get drunk and talk about bananas too.

Keropok said...

I just hope I dont get drunk and show off my bananas (yes - plural... why stop at one!)

pazuzu said...

you may show your bananas to anyone but me. Thank You.

Amy said...

Great work.