Welcome to The XXXVJ Annual Floating Turd Awards, which looks back on the previous year and creeps into the houses of the winners to use their toilets and leave a very stubborn award in their bowl.
This show should've been held in December but was postponed due to heightened terrorist activity that forced the organisers, at Molotov-cocktail point, to drink excessive amounts of beer, thus rendering the organisers incapable of tyhbdfhvoagfqytef.
As you can see, arriving now at the red carpet, are many Datuks, Tan Sris, Tuns, Penyimpan Cap Mohor Besar DiRajas and Guardians of The Moat, along with their wives and second wives, who have been generously donated to them by main sponsors - TV3.
Here's a VIP now! Datuk Seri Samy Vellu, you're looking "mighty spiffy" tonight. Who designed your hair?
Samy: Lim Kok Wing.
Yes. Thank you, Datuk. And here's old-favourite Tun Dr Mahathir. Tun, how do feel right now, walking down this red carpet?
Dr. M: I feel marginalised. I specifically asked the organisers for a bridge instead of a red carpet. Even half a bridge would've been okay. But these incompetent bastards are selling our sovereignty! I'm being censo-
Yes-yes. Thank you, Tun.
Well, the moment you've all been waiting for is here! Lets cross over now to PWTC, where, due to a catfight backsid..I mean backstage between Azwan Ali and Aznil Nawawi, your stand-in soft-wristed host will be AC Mizal.
AC Mizal: AC di mana?
Crowd: AC di sini!!!
AC/DC: HaHaHa! What a funny Malay pun on our name! Is he wearing more make-up than us? Bastard!
AC Mizal: And now, to present the first award for the night, Malaysia's darling homewrecker - Siti NurspeakadaEnglish!
Siti: Good Friday, Tuan-tuan dan Puan-Puan! Warning! Teleprompter Error! Please ensure Teleprompter is plugged in properly!
Err, okay. Thank you, Siti. Due to technical difficulties, all hosts and presenters have been asked to remain backstage where they will be plied with glasses of Coca-Cola with straws in them. Ahem. If you know what I mean.
The first award of the night is:
Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy
The Nominees are:
1) Hishamuddin Hussein for UMNO General Asembly Part XXV: The Keris Strikes Back!
2) The Incest Pantun Guy for UMNO General Assembly Part XXV: The Keris Strikes Back!
3) Dr Mahathir for Memento 2: I Don't Remember Fucking Up The Country.
4) Pak Lah for Sleeping While the Enemy Accuses Me of Fucking Up The Country.
5) Khairy Jamalluddin for The Puppet Master.
And the winner is: The Incest Pantun Guy!
We have no idea who he is, but he delivered a pantun that goes something like this:
Something something something
Datuk rogol Cucu!
And everybody in the hall, who comprised the people who run this country, burst out in laughter. There is a rumour that even Pak Lah woke up for awhile, pretended to laugh as though he was listening, and fell back to sleep.
It is the opinion of the organisers that, if you can get people to laugh about Incestuous Rape, and do it in a manner that rhymes, you deserve a floating turd in your bowl.
Congratulations, Incest Pantun Guy!
The organisers regret to inform you that the organisers are bored of this entry, which the organisers think really sucks.
The organisers are already working on a new entry where the organisers will prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the organisers are, in fact, descendants of Jesus.
Watch this space.
In the mean time, please feel free to add categories, nominees, and winners of your choice in the comment box. Or not.
The organisers are flushing off now.