Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Long-Awaited Return of Weekend Fun: New Old Wives' Tales




Okay-okay, I know. I've neglected Weekend Fun for sometime now. The thing is, I've been busy with work and saving the country and wait where're you going?
Come back, dammit!
Don't you walk away from me, young man/woman!
That's it. Sit your ass back down.
There. Hah!
Who's your Appa?
WHO'S YOUR APPA?

Who?

That's right, dammit.
And your Appa says you'll have some Weekend Fun this weekend even if you're utterly miserable doing it.
Understand?
Good.

So:

This week's episode of Weekend Fun is about a topic that has the added bonus of being not only ageist, but sexist as well. It's about:

Old Wives' Tales!

Historians often argue, sometimes violently, about the origins of many Old Wives' Tales. That is why, if you see a bunch of historians enthusiastically having a debate at your local pub, it's best not to get involved. They're a crazy bunch, those historians, and they'll think nothing of boring you to death with the story of how J.W.W. Birch, having spied a local man pleasuring himself, decided to name a town after the man's act, but, like clueless white people often do, mispronounced the Malay word for the aforementioned act.

The reason historians are at loggerheads about the origins of Old Wives' Tales is because many of them (the tales, also the historians) don't make much sense.
Take, for example, this popular Old Wives' Tale:

If you put your elbows on the table during dinner, old people will yell at you

If you dissect (using a pipet, buret and penunu) this Tale, and examine, using a microscope, the Tale's trachea, bronchus, bronchiole dan dubur, you will find that it makes no sense whatsoever. Because unless your elbows are up on the table and your arms are pointing upwards, and your fists are clenched with the exception of your middle finger, there is absolutely no reason why this should be considered rude. And hence, there is no reason for the aforementioned old person to yell at you.

So how then did this and other nonsensical Old Wives' Tales start?

The most plausible theory is that the Old Wives, bored of knitting and emptying the chamberpot while waiting for their Old Husbands to come back from the Old Pub (they would sometimes wait for months), simply made them up!


And the reason why there are no New Old Wives' Tales is because women these days are too busy with their "careers" because they're now "equal to men" except during Valentine's Day when the Man damn well better do something otherwise he is is Big Trouble. So, like The Tourism Minister said, it's only the unemployed women who have the time to make shit up. Which is why this tradition has been grossly neglected.


So that brings us nicely to what you can do this weekend for your Weekend Fun! You can:


Start a New Old Wives Tale!!


And in this age of 'gender-equality' where even men can be Wives, anyone can participate! I'll start the ball rolling with my own New Old Wives' Tale:


If you pat a dwarf twice on the head, it will bring you good luck


If you see a dwarf walking down the street, pat him on the head twice (it should be an even number, so if you accidently pat him thrice, you should pat him again). The dwarf will think you're merely being friendly and you will, I don't know, win the lottery or become the Prime Minister's son-in-law or something.


See?
That wasn't so hard! Try it yourself!
In fact I'm going to force you to try it by tagging you. I tag The Former Liverbird, Leen Ashburn, Anttyk, Sicko, Lim Kit Siang, and, because he still hasn't updated, Daryl Chan.

Update: And the only person who actually wants to be tagged - Babe.

Hah!

Who's your Appa?
WHO's YOUR APPA?





Damn straight.


17 comments:

ex.G said...

I patted him twice on his head and he came. It wasn't very yummy but protein's protein eh?

Thanks, Pazuzu. Now I'll grow up strong and healthy. :-D

lilyliverbird said...

i am neither old nor a wife.

phbbbbt

a babe of very fickle brain said...

LOL!

weih how come you didn't tag me, your Minister of Works??? call yourself patriotic and you go tag Lim Kit Siang! as if he got time.

i got new hairdo now.

sic6sense said...

i just petted lily twice. nuthin cumming also.

pazuzu said...

ex.g,
errr...okaaayyy.

lily,
why must we attach labels to things?

babe,
I actually didn't know you had your own blog! Thot u just did the cackler thing and commented on everyone else's blogs. Ok. You've been tagged.

Sicko,
Try again.

a babe of very pickled brain said...

shite, he had to link me to my blog!!!

haiyoh!!!! habis la aku .. my traffic sure naik pecah sitemeter ni.

i must be a responsible blogger and remove all postings that are seditious, defamatory and libellous and boleh memporak-porandakan keluarga dan negara.

okay la because i love you oh pazuzu, i do the tag. tapi entah la bila.

lilyliverbird said...

oik sicko: who you calling a dwarf? I sit on your face, then you know :p

Leen Ash Burn said...

*coughs* why she kept on insisting to be the minister of works?

sic6sense said...

lils, where got call u dwarf? just said u susah cumming. :D

Rt Hon Sir Cipan Nougat-Tenuk said...

A housewife tole me that if I read pazuzu's blog, my turds will henceforth float and will never sink, thus saddling me with immense IWK and SYABAS bills which then will make me borrow heavily until the Ah Longs get me and then I will have to sell myself on the streets.

... which will make my turds denser and thus get rid of the curse.

Which will come back if I read pazuzu again.

Betul ka?

pazuzu said...

Babe,
Huh? Should I have linked you to other ppl's blogs? Oh ya. Forgot. You're everywhere, rite? :p

Lily, Sicko,
Now now. No arguing or Appa will send you to the corner.

Leen,
She's not cool like us JB folk. ;-)
(Don't play play with us org JB ok Babe :p)

Sir Cipan,
That's not an Old Wives' Tale. It's a scientific fact.

lilyliverbird said...

the president of my fan club, sergei,once said johoreans spend all their money on souped up perdana, they don't have any money left on food.

pazuzu said...

Lily,
Tell sergei that Johoreans -the really really cooler than cool ones - don't drive.

skywalker said...

i patted him three times and the dwarf thought i wanted a blowjob.

heh.. dwarves these days!

pazuzu said...

skywalker,
I told u it has to be even numbers. Sigh. Nobody listens to appa.

Jeremy said...

Cheers man! Really enjoy your articles.

Just done a lookup in wiki. In Assyrian and Babylonian mythology, the god Pazuzu was the king of the demons of wind, and son of the god Hanbi. He also represented the southwestern wind, the bearer of storms.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pazuzu

Rt Hon Sir Cipan Nougat-Tenuk said...

The demon-king of wind?

Pazuzu you old fart !!!