The Long-Awaited Return of Weekend Fun: New Old Wives' Tales

Okay-okay, I know. I've neglected Weekend Fun for sometime now. The thing is, I've been busy with work and saving the country and wait where're you going?
Come back, dammit!
Don't you walk away from me, young man/woman!
That's it. Sit your ass back down.
There. Hah!
Who's your Appa?
WHO'S YOUR APPA?

Who?

That's right, dammit.
And your Appa says you'll have some Weekend Fun this weekend even if you're utterly miserable doing it.
Understand?
Good.

So:

This week's episode of Weekend Fun is about a topic that has the added bonus of being not only ageist, but sexist as well. It's about:

Old Wives' Tales!

Historians often argue, sometimes violently, about the origins of many Old Wives' Tales. That is why, if you see a bunch of historians enthusiastically having a debate at your local pub, it's best not to get involved. They're a crazy bunch, those historians, and they'll think nothing of boring you to death with the story of how J.W.W. Birch, having spied a local man pleasuring himself, decided to name a town after the man's act, but, like clueless white people often do, mispronounced the Malay word for the aforementioned act.

The reason historians are at loggerheads about the origins of Old Wives' Tales is because many of them (the tales, also the historians) don't make much sense.
Take, for example, this popular Old Wives' Tale:

If you put your elbows on the table during dinner, old people will yell at you

If you dissect (using a pipet, buret and penunu) this Tale, and examine, using a microscope, the Tale's trachea, bronchus, bronchiole dan dubur, you will find that it makes no sense whatsoever. Because unless your elbows are up on the table and your arms are pointing upwards, and your fists are clenched with the exception of your middle finger, there is absolutely no reason why this should be considered rude. And hence, there is no reason for the aforementioned old person to yell at you.

So how then did this and other nonsensical Old Wives' Tales start?

The most plausible theory is that the Old Wives, bored of knitting and emptying the chamberpot while waiting for their Old Husbands to come back from the Old Pub (they would sometimes wait for months), simply made them up!

And the reason why there are no New Old Wives' Tales is because women these days are too busy with their "careers" because they're now "equal to men" except during Valentine's Day when the Man damn well better do something otherwise he is is Big Trouble. So, like The Tourism Minister said, it's only the unemployed women who have the time to make shit up. Which is why this tradition has been grossly neglected.

So that brings us nicely to what you can do this weekend for your Weekend Fun! You can:

Start a New Old Wives Tale!!

And in this age of 'gender-equality' where even men can be Wives, anyone can participate! I'll start the ball rolling with my own New Old Wives' Tale:

If you pat a dwarf twice on the head, it will bring you good luck

If you see a dwarf walking down the street, pat him on the head twice (it should be an even number, so if you accidently pat him thrice, you should pat him again). The dwarf will think you're merely being friendly and you will, I don't know, win the lottery or become the Prime Minister's son-in-law or something.

See?
That wasn't so hard! Try it yourself!
In fact I'm going to force you to try it by tagging you. I tag The Former Liverbird, Leen Ashburn, Anttyk, Sicko, Lim Kit Siang, and, because he still hasn't updated, Daryl Chan.

Update: And the only person who actually wants to be tagged - Babe.

Hah!

Who's your Appa?

WHO's YOUR APPA?

Damn straight.