Monday, December 04, 2006

Why Men Write Poetry Gooder Than Women

Amazing!
Just two posts and I've already been voted Blogger of the Year by The Association of Voices Who Magically Appear When I'm Drunk (TAVWMAWID)!
Gosh, this is such an honour!
I'd like to thank Randy, Jermaine, Tito and...errr...the other one.
But most of all I'd like to thank Almighty God, who types out these words as I dictate them to Him, and sometimes brings me coffee.

Anyway, as Blogger of the Year, I feel it is my duty to ditch my humility and Tell Other People How To Write Goodly.
And by Other People, i am talking specifically about Women.

You see, it is a well-known fact that Women talk nonsense.

This is clearly documented in the Gospel according to John and Paul, which states that:

Desmond has a barrow in the market place
Molly is the singer in a band
Desmond says to Molly "girl I like your face"
And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand:

Obladi oblada, life goes on yahhh
La la la la life goes on


See?
But just because they talk nonsense, doesn't mean they have to write nonsense.
And nowhere is the Nonsensical Woman-Writer Epidemic (NWWE) more prevalent than in Blogland.
Time and time again, you come across posts written by women that are not only utter rubbish, they are also wrong, grammatologically-speaking.
These women string together randomly-chosen words and try to make them sound like poetry, but they often end up sounding like Japanese t-shirts.
RAISE YOUR HANDS, all of you out there who have come across posts like this:

Oh!

The pain!

Oh!

Why? Why? Why?

Why is what?

Who is where?

I am You.

You are The Shoelaces.

That tie together the shoes.

That keep me grounded.

But...

Alas!

I have stepped on...

Chewing gum.

And it is...

Icky.

Penitence! Transcendence!
Sing a song of...
sixpence!

For all is lost,

And I am...

Dead.

Are your hands raised? Yes? Well, put them down, stupid. I can't bloody well see you, can I?

The point is, you'll never see men droning on and on like that. Men write better poetry because they just say what they mean.
The world's best documented poem, in fact, can be found scribbled behind a door in the MEN's room at a Mamak restaurant in Taman Daya, Johor Bahru.
It goes like this:

Anak kucing
tangkap tikus,
Aku kencing,
Engkau jirus

You see? You see?
This poem works because it adheres to the Three Basic Rules of Poetry:

1) It rhymes
2) It's simple
3) It offends people who possess Nilai-nilai Murni

Here's another example of Great Poetry, which is written by me, but to this day strangely remains ignored by the Arty-Farty Pulitzer Association (AFPA):

I strangled a cat
until it was dead,
Maybe for lunch,
I'll eat it with bread,

some pickles and onions,
some mayo and cheese,
But I'll skin the cat first,
'Coz fur makes me sneeze


I realise many of you women will find this post offensive and sexist. I urge you write angry responses immediately.
I'm looking forward to reading your comments as I'm thinking of starting a Japanese t-shirt company.
Thank You.

Okay, God. Stop typing now and get me some coffee. No don't type THAT, dammit! No-no-no...oh, just forget it!
Idiot.

33 comments:

lilyliverbird said...

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you are a dickhead
fcuk you too!

pazuzu said...

You're just jealous coz I won Blogger of the Year.

DareDevil8 said...

waaah u tokkok maximum.
pretty interesting ,your take on life.the changing role with god..............

damn interesting read,and by the way there is globalisation upon us,u may wanna to rethink that japanese t-shirt thing

a babe of very little Brrrrrrrrrr-ain. said...

your poems turn me on.

DareDevil8 said...

who's the idiot?
i]you?since god has no iota of a sense on the gymnastic of coffee making
ii]god?for being a slave to the KU KLUX KLAN
iii]me?for being in an amazing delusion,since i do know god's taste

that poem by the toilet mat rempit,was succinct.
yours?well i have gotta give it to you,dark,dingy and hits deep in.i'm totaly blown apart by the depth of your countenance........absolutely !!!

Daryl said...

Cis Bedebah,
Aku Berak Kau Tadah.

Leen Ash Burn said...

Can I have your autograph please? Here, on my chest.

Su-Yin said...

Actual words on t-shirt spotted in Harajuku:

Read Kosmo you must.

pazuzu said...

daredevil,
errr...thank you...but i think maybe you have me confused with someone deep.


babe,
i recite them in bed.

daryl,
there's a place for your pen in public toilets everywhere.

leen,
yes, u can. btw, my signature's really long.

suyin,
Kosmo? Kosmo! Kosmo? Kosmo!

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