Just two posts and I've already been voted Blogger of the Year by The Association of Voices Who Magically Appear When I'm Drunk (TAVWMAWID)!
Gosh, this is such an honour!
I'd like to thank Randy, Jermaine, Tito and...errr...the other one.
But most of all I'd like to thank Almighty God, who types out these words as I dictate them to Him, and sometimes brings me coffee.
Anyway, as Blogger of the Year, I feel it is my duty to ditch my humility and Tell Other People How To Write Goodly.
And by Other People, i am talking specifically about Women.
You see, it is a well-known fact that Women talk nonsense.
This is clearly documented in the Gospel according to John and Paul, which states that:
Desmond has a barrow in the market place
Molly is the singer in a band
Desmond says to Molly "girl I like your face"
And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand:
Obladi oblada, life goes on yahhh
La la la la life goes on
But just because they talk nonsense, doesn't mean they have to write nonsense.
And nowhere is the Nonsensical Woman-Writer Epidemic (NWWE) more prevalent than in Blogland.
Time and time again, you come across posts written by women that are not only utter rubbish, they are also wrong, grammatologically-speaking.
These women string together randomly-chosen words and try to make them sound like poetry, but they often end up sounding like Japanese t-shirts.
RAISE YOUR HANDS, all of you out there who have come across posts like this:
Why? Why? Why?
Why is what?
Who is where?
I am You.
You are The Shoelaces.
That tie together the shoes.
That keep me grounded.
I have stepped on...
And it is...
Sing a song of...
For all is lost,
And I am...
Are your hands raised? Yes? Well, put them down, stupid. I can't bloody well see you, can I?
The point is, you'll never see men droning on and on like that. Men write better poetry because they just say what they mean.
The world's best documented poem, in fact, can be found scribbled behind a door in the MEN's room at a Mamak restaurant in Taman Daya, Johor Bahru.
It goes like this:
You see? You see?
This poem works because it adheres to the Three Basic Rules of Poetry:
1) It rhymes
2) It's simple
3) It offends people who possess Nilai-nilai Murni
Here's another example of Great Poetry, which is written by me, but to this day strangely remains ignored by the Arty-Farty Pulitzer Association (AFPA):
I strangled a cat
until it was dead,
Maybe for lunch,
I'll eat it with bread,
some pickles and onions,
some mayo and cheese,
But I'll skin the cat first,
'Coz fur makes me sneeze
I realise many of you women will find this post offensive and sexist. I urge you write angry responses immediately.
I'm looking forward to reading your comments as I'm thinking of starting a Japanese t-shirt company.
Okay, God. Stop typing now and get me some coffee. No don't type THAT, dammit! No-no-no...oh, just forget it!