The Da Vinci Code, which was written by Dan Brown based on secret messages in the drawings of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, states that Jesus Christ was married and had kids and that Women Are Superior for some reason.
Or maybe it states that some religious wackos will run around France killing each other over some paintings.
If people want to think that The Holy Grail refers to Jesus' daughter based on a work of fiction, that's fine with me.
It's just a book, dammit.
But then, the other day, on my daily visit to Engrish.com, I stumbled upon this:
On a children's toy!
What is this world coming to?
Is nothing sacred anymore?
People, this is where I draw the line:
First, the Da Vinci Code says that the descendant of Jesus is a girl.
Then, clearly taking his cue from the book, this toy manufacturer has the gall to suggest that Jesus is a girl!
Being a devout Catholic who has passed by St Francis Xavier Church many times on my way to Ol' Skool Pub and Bistro, I was outraged! So outraged that, in order to disprove Dan Brown's findings, I myself have been painstakingly researching the works of Leonardo Da Vinci.
I started with this famous kitchen decoration, The Last Supper:
At first, staring at the painting as a whole, it just looked like a bunch of guys arguing about who gets to sit next to Jesus, like children fighting for the front seat.
So I asked myself:
What does Da Vinci want me to see?
What is the hidden meaning behind the painting?
Can anybody hear me talking to myself?
Will they think I'm weird?
Then it hit me. And I hit it back. Because nobody hits me and gets away with it, dammit.
I decided to break up the painting into different segments.
And this is what I deduced:
This is clearly a woman, who has discovered something so distressing that she has fainted.
These bunch of guys are clearly pointing an accusatory finger at someone, deflecting the blame away from themselves.
This guy is obviously holding his hands up as if to say "It wasn't me!"
And it was only then when I realised the Inescapable Truth.
What could distress a woman so much that she would faint?
What would make grown men turn on each other, refusing to admit whodunnit?
And the answer, obviously, is:
A Floating Turd!
So, through his painting, Da Vinci was trying to say that the descendant of Christ is a floating turd. And since I am The Floating Turd, the descendant of Christ is...ME!!!
Being The Descendant of Christ, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that this is all circumstantial evidence.
There's not enough proof.
So I dug deeper:
Supposedly, during The Last Supper, Jesus asked everyone present to drink some wine, which, symbolically, was the Blood of Christ. And The Holy Grail was the cup that held the Blood of Christ.
So how come, in the painting, there are no cups? No wine?
It's as though the people in the painting are taking great pains to convey the message:
Drink? Not Us!
Drink Not Us. Drink Not Us. Drink Not Us.
Surely it's an anagram! It must be!
So I tried rearranging the alphabets. And guess what it says?
Drink Not Us = Turd No Sink!
A non-sinking turd!
Again, everything points to ME!
Still think it's a coincidence? Then consider this other anagram:
Jesus Christ, Descendant.
Rearrange it, and what do you get?
Turd Ascends, Injects Shes!
Turd Ascends = once again, A Floating Turd!
Injects Shes = obviously, since we can rule out a dildo, A Man!
A Man who is A Floating Turd = ME!!!!
I am the Holy Grail!
I hold the Blood of Christ!
I...am the Descendant of Jesus Christ!
I'm not sure how I feel about this.
On one hand, I've always suspected as much.
On the other hand, my life is in danger.
There are people who would kill to keep this information from you.
People like Dan Brown, who is a member of Opus Dei, a Catholic sect determined to keep the truth hidden.
In fact, he's already tried to kill me once, to ensure that this entry would never have been posted.
Just the other day, I was staggering down the street, when I was approached by Dan Brown:
Dan Brown: Macha, I am from Opus, Dei!
Me: Why are you speaking with an Indian accent, la dei?
Dan Brown: My name is an anagram! It actually means Brown Dan. As in Brown Danaraj! And I'm here to kill you with this parang, la dei!
Me: Dei, don't kill me, la dei!....Shit!...Look behind you! It's Harry Belafonte!
Dan Brown: I'm not falling for the old look-behind-you-it's-Harry-Belafonte Trick! You think I'm stupid ah, dei?
Harry Belanfonte: Deeeeeiiiiiiii-O, me say Dei, me say Dei, me say Dei, me say Dei, me say De-e-ei-O!
Dan Brown: Wow! It really is Harry Belafonte, la dei! I'm so distracted!
While Dan Brown was distracted, I kung-fu-kicked him and Harry Belafonte pinned him down.
Me: You bastard! You tried to kill me!
Dan Brown: And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you and that pesky Harry Belafonte!
Harry: Pazuzu! Always two there are. A Master and an Apprentice.
Dan Brown: I'll never tell you who my Master is!
Just then, a poison dart was sumpited into his neck. With his last dying breath, he managed to blurt out:
"A few horny rip! A...few.....horny..........rip..."
I looked at Harry. Harry looked at me.
Harry: A few horny rip?
Me: I think he was trying to tell us who his Master is. But the bastard can't get enough of his bloody anagrams. I know one thing. His Master must be a woman who still wants us to believe that the descendant of Christ is female.
Harry: A few horny rip. An anagram. Hmmmmm. Okay, we rearrange the letters and we get...A fire why poor? Friar we phony? I can't seem to crack the code.
Me: I have a feeling the clues to unscrambling the anagram are in here and here.
Harry: I'm sorry, Pazuzu. You must continue on this adventure alone. Sad to say I'm on my way. Won't be back for many a-day.
Me: Goodbye, Harry Belafonte!
Harry: Goodbye....and Pazuzu?
Harry: Be careful.
Me: I will, Harry Belanfonte...
In light of this Revelation, I have asked God to resign as my Secretary. Since He's now my relative (according to some beliefs) I don't want to be accused of cronyism and/or nepotism.
I'm not like Some People.
I'm currently looking for someone to replace Him.