Sunday, April 01, 2007

The Price of Fame: Sex, Money, Girth

I've been busy this past month. I mean, really really busy. In fact, I've been so busy that

Commercial Break

Rani: Amma, will boys ever like me?

Amma: Not unless you use Fair & Lovely Fairness Cream.

10 years later...

Rani: Thanks to Fair & Lovely Fairness Cream, I now have a husband!

Husband: Rani! Get me a beer, dammit! PUNDAKKKK!!!!

Rani: PUNDAK?

Husband: Yes! PUNDAK!

Rani: What's PUNDAK?

James Earl Jones: PUNDAK is coming soon. Watch this space. We now return you to regular programming.


Damn commercials.
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been so busy that I've not even had time to reply to most of my e-mails.
You see, since I started blogging many people have been e-mailing me with various offers and propositions and stuff. Everybody wants a piece of me. But, you know what? Fame isn't all it's cracked up to be.
So, in order to show you, my loyal readers and the papparazzo, what I, as a famous person, have to go through, I have decided, by using many commas in this sentence, to publish some of my fan-mail here. Enjoy:

___________________________________________

From: Sylvia
To: the.hideout@Hotmail.com

Hi there! I am Ukrainian housewife who are lonely and horny! I would like to meet you! I am sure we can have a good time for relationship/marriage.

Reply:

Dear Sylvia,
I am touched by your offer for relationship/marriage and I really would like to meet you to discuss how we can work together to overcome your loneliness and horniness.
However, I'm afraid The Ukraine is too far away from where I am (Kuala Lumpur), and there really is no guarantee that you will still still be horny when I get there, is there?
As such, I am proposing that we meet halfway. Is Kathmandu okay?
Please let me know.

Cheers,
Pazuzu.

PS. You also stated that you are a housewife. What does your husband think of all this?

____________________________________________



From : [GainsOf2Inches]
Sent : Wednesday, March 28, 2007 6:35 AM
To :
the.hideout@hotmail.com
Subject : -=SatisfactionGuaranteed=-


AddGirth andLength -- MillionsOfOthers alreadyHave!


Reply:

What the hell? How dare you?! Who the hell do you think you are? Has someone been spreading rumours about my girth and length? Listen you fuckers, I don't care if millions of others already have, okay? I'm perfectly happy with my girth and length. Okay? I've never had any complaints. Well, except that one time when...but...it was cold dammit! And I had too much to drink, okay? Listen. I'll have you know that women from as far away as The Fucking Ukraine want me, ok? For relationship/marriage! So obviously, there have only been good reviews about my girth and length in the grapevine. I think.
Bastards.

Fuck you,
Pazuzu.


____________________________________________

From The Desk Of Mr.Aziz Moustafa
The Head Of File Department,
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso West Africa.
Phone: 00226-7616 94 13.
PLANE CRASH WEB SITE... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm.

("REMITTANCE OF $22.5 MILLION U.S.A DOLLARS CONFIDENTIAL IS THE CASE")
Compliments Of The Season 2007,
Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and may offend your personality for contacting you without your prior consent and writing through this channel.I got your contact from the proffesional data base found in the banking internet tourist search.When i was searching for a foreign reliable partner.I assured of your capability and reliability to champion this businees opportunity.
After series of prayers/fasting.i was divinely directed to contact you among other names found in our banking internet data base tourist search.I believe that God has a way of helping who is in need.
I am (Mr.Aziz Moustafa),the Head of file Department in BANK OF AFRICA (BOA).
In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $ 22.5 million U.S.A dollars ( Twenty two million five hundred thousand dollars) . In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family on ( Monday, 31 July, 2000, 13:22 GMT 14:22 UK) in a plane crash. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relati on to the deceased as indica ted in our banking guidelines, but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and one official in my department now decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.
The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after five years, the money will be transfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner, and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. We agree that 30 % of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 % will be set aside for expenses incured during the business and 60 % would be for me and my woman colleague. There after i will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.
Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.
You should contact me ( 00226-7616 94 13) immediately as soon as you receive this letter. Trusting to hear from you immediately.

Your’s faithfully,
Mr.Aziz Moustafa
FROM (BOA) OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO. GOD BLESSINGS,PROTECTIONS AND GUIDIANCE TO YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.


Reply:

Dear Mr. Aziz Moustafa,
When I first read your letter, I thought "Holy Shit!! 22.5 Million US Dollars!!". To be perfectly honest, I really could use the money.
But what I find hard to believe is that God has put you in contact with me. You may not know this - God used to be my Secretary, but I had to let him go after I discovered that I was the descendant of Jesus Christ. Err..well, it's all a bit complicated, really.
But, since I am a completely non-judgemental kinda guy, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, and meet you to discuss this matter further. I will be meeting a lady friend of mine soon in Kathmandu, Nepal. I believe this is also halfway between Kuala Lumpur and Burkina-Faso. I hope you can arrange to meet me there with your woman friend and maybe, if you're into this kind of thing, we can swap friends for a day.
My lady friend is lonely and horny and I do think she will be up for it.
Do let me know soon.

Cheers,
Pazuzu.


There. Back to work now.
Sigh.


____________________________________________

Breaking News: He's After Me!!

Khir: IWK main polluter

SEWAGE management company Indah Water Konsortium Sdn Bhd (IWK) has been accused of being the main source of river pollution in Selangor, Mingguan Malaysia front-paged.
Selangor Mentri Besar Datuk Seri Dr Mohd Khir Toyo said the state government decided to expose IWK because the company failed to provide quality service, as several rivers in the state were polluted with ammonia and waste.
He said the other river polluters were the construction sector, factories and industries.
“We want the ministry to review the privatisation of IWK, which I think has failed.

Source: The Star


Chronology of Events:

1) University does study which finds that kids are having sex

2) Khir Toyo, unhappy with findings, says "No way!" and instructs his goons to call up kids and ask them if it's true that they're having sex.

3) Kids, when contacted by State Government Officials and asked if they're having sex, say "Errr...No". Duh.

4) The Floating Turd, vigilante hero of the people and shit, calls up Khir Toyo's office to ask them if Khir Toyo is having sex. They are unable to confirm.

5) In what is clearly an act of revenge, Khir Toyo slams IWK, an innocent party, for allowing "floating turds to go free" and instructs his goons to call up IWK and ask if IWK is having sex.

6) In an act of heroic defiance, The Floating Turd arranges to have sex with a horny Ukranian housewife in Kathmandu.

Your move, Toyo!

5 comments:

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

i told you already that IWK is going to sell you to the Gomen. you the perfect scapegoat. so gullible like that.

pazuzu said...

Babe,
As it stands, they haven't sold me out yet. HIDUP IWK!!

lilyliverbird said...

today, pauline fowler asked me if i want my dick the size of ron jeremy's.

i wonder if she's related to robbie fowler.

Doreen said...

ah, a man of compromise. willing to meet halfway. good on ya! good luck in Kathmandu. Muahaha.

And Toyo is really adamant on ridding the Valley of all turds ei? Hang in there you piece of crap :)

pazuzu said...

Lily,
I wonder if Ron Jeremy gets "enlarge your dick" mail.

Doreen,
That's me. Always thinking of others.