For Weekend Fun this week, I suggest you take Monday off and get the hell out of here.
I am.
And in my absence, I am putting A Babe of Very Little Brain in charge of keeping the comment box going, an area in which she has vast experience.
Note to GemmaRose: No insulting me in the comment box till I get back. Not fair if I can't reply.
This is The Floating Turd, Flushing off.
Till next week.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
I'm a Creep, I'm a Weirdo, He's a...
Warning:
I thought this'd be funny but it ended up being creepy. I mean, really really creepy. Do not read while eating. In fact, do not read at all. Okay fine. You asked for it. Here we go:
: Push, honey! Push!! Breathe!! Breathe!!!
: I am pushing, dammit!
: You're doing fine, sweetheart!! Fine!!
: Don't you tell me I'm doing fine! You're not the one who has to...aaarrrggg...
: Almost there, munchkin!! Almost there!!! I can see the head!!!
:...hhhaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh....
: Just...a...bit...mo...
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The Long-Awaited Return of Weekend Fun: New Old Wives' Tales
Okay-okay, I know. I've neglected Weekend Fun for sometime now. The thing is, I've been busy with work and saving the country and wait where're you going?
Come back, dammit!
Don't you walk away from me, young man/woman!
That's it. Sit your ass back down.
There. Hah!
Who's your Appa?
WHO'S YOUR APPA?
Who?
That's right, dammit.
And your Appa says you'll have some Weekend Fun this weekend even if you're utterly miserable doing it.
Understand?
Good.
So:
This week's episode of Weekend Fun is about a topic that has the added bonus of being not only ageist, but sexist as well. It's about:
Old Wives' Tales!
Historians often argue, sometimes violently, about the origins of many Old Wives' Tales. That is why, if you see a bunch of historians enthusiastically having a debate at your local pub, it's best not to get involved. They're a crazy bunch, those historians, and they'll think nothing of boring you to death with the story of how J.W.W. Birch, having spied a local man pleasuring himself, decided to name a town after the man's act, but, like clueless white people often do, mispronounced the Malay word for the aforementioned act.
The reason historians are at loggerheads about the origins of Old Wives' Tales is because many of them (the tales, also the historians) don't make much sense.
Take, for example, this popular Old Wives' Tale:
If you put your elbows on the table during dinner, old people will yell at you
If you dissect (using a pipet, buret and penunu) this Tale, and examine, using a microscope, the Tale's trachea, bronchus, bronchiole dan dubur, you will find that it makes no sense whatsoever. Because unless your elbows are up on the table and your arms are pointing upwards, and your fists are clenched with the exception of your middle finger, there is absolutely no reason why this should be considered rude. And hence, there is no reason for the aforementioned old person to yell at you.
So how then did this and other nonsensical Old Wives' Tales start?
The most plausible theory is that the Old Wives, bored of knitting and emptying the chamberpot while waiting for their Old Husbands to come back from the Old Pub (they would sometimes wait for months), simply made them up!
Come back, dammit!
Don't you walk away from me, young man/woman!
That's it. Sit your ass back down.
There. Hah!
Who's your Appa?
WHO'S YOUR APPA?
Who?
That's right, dammit.
And your Appa says you'll have some Weekend Fun this weekend even if you're utterly miserable doing it.
Understand?
Good.
So:
This week's episode of Weekend Fun is about a topic that has the added bonus of being not only ageist, but sexist as well. It's about:
Old Wives' Tales!
Historians often argue, sometimes violently, about the origins of many Old Wives' Tales. That is why, if you see a bunch of historians enthusiastically having a debate at your local pub, it's best not to get involved. They're a crazy bunch, those historians, and they'll think nothing of boring you to death with the story of how J.W.W. Birch, having spied a local man pleasuring himself, decided to name a town after the man's act, but, like clueless white people often do, mispronounced the Malay word for the aforementioned act.
The reason historians are at loggerheads about the origins of Old Wives' Tales is because many of them (the tales, also the historians) don't make much sense.
Take, for example, this popular Old Wives' Tale:
If you put your elbows on the table during dinner, old people will yell at you
If you dissect (using a pipet, buret and penunu) this Tale, and examine, using a microscope, the Tale's trachea, bronchus, bronchiole dan dubur, you will find that it makes no sense whatsoever. Because unless your elbows are up on the table and your arms are pointing upwards, and your fists are clenched with the exception of your middle finger, there is absolutely no reason why this should be considered rude. And hence, there is no reason for the aforementioned old person to yell at you.
So how then did this and other nonsensical Old Wives' Tales start?
The most plausible theory is that the Old Wives, bored of knitting and emptying the chamberpot while waiting for their Old Husbands to come back from the Old Pub (they would sometimes wait for months), simply made them up!
And the reason why there are no New Old Wives' Tales is because women these days are too busy with their "careers" because they're now "equal to men" except during Valentine's Day when the Man damn well better do something otherwise he is is Big Trouble. So, like The Tourism Minister said, it's only the unemployed women who have the time to make shit up. Which is why this tradition has been grossly neglected.
So that brings us nicely to what you can do this weekend for your Weekend Fun! You can:
Start a New Old Wives Tale!!
And in this age of 'gender-equality' where even men can be Wives, anyone can participate! I'll start the ball rolling with my own New Old Wives' Tale:
If you pat a dwarf twice on the head, it will bring you good luck
If you see a dwarf walking down the street, pat him on the head twice (it should be an even number, so if you accidently pat him thrice, you should pat him again). The dwarf will think you're merely being friendly and you will, I don't know, win the lottery or become the Prime Minister's son-in-law or something.
See?
That wasn't so hard! Try it yourself!
In fact I'm going to force you to try it by tagging you. I tag The Former Liverbird, Leen Ashburn, Anttyk, Sicko, Lim Kit Siang, and, because he still hasn't updated, Daryl Chan.
Update: And the only person who actually wants to be tagged - Babe.
That wasn't so hard! Try it yourself!
In fact I'm going to force you to try it by tagging you. I tag The Former Liverbird, Leen Ashburn, Anttyk, Sicko, Lim Kit Siang, and, because he still hasn't updated, Daryl Chan.
Update: And the only person who actually wants to be tagged - Babe.
Hah!
Who's your Appa?
WHO's YOUR APPA?
Damn straight.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Get Your FREE Virtual UniTee-Shirts Now!!
Although it wasn't reported in the mainstream press (as usual), I'm sure you all know by now that I, Pazuzu, am going to be your next Prime Minister once my party - PUNDAK - wins the next General Election.
So to celebrate the launch of PUNDAK, I am generously giving away FREE Virtual UniTee-Shirts now at PUNDAK's official site!
Do your part for your country and whatever!
Vote PUNDAK!!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Heroes: Save The Cheerleader, Save Malaysia!
Khairy: I must use The Power of The Father-in-Law to kill the Cheerleader!!
Samy: I will headbutt the Cheerleader with my Ridiculous Helmet Hair!!
Hishamuddin: I will kill the Cheerleader by waving my Magic Keris!!
Mahathir: I will arrest the Cheerleader under the ISA and then pretend I had nothing to do with it!
Pak Lah: Zzzzzzzz....huh? ....zzzzzzzzz....Cheerleader? ...zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Lim Kit Siang: I will save the Cheerleader only if she's Chinese!
PAS: We will ban the cheerleader from wearing that short skirt and doing those sexy moves!!
Anwar: Mahathir is evil!! Mahathir is...what Cheerleader?
Khir Toyo: I will tell my goons to call up the Cheerleader and ask her if she's having sex!!
Cheerleader: HaHaHa!! Too late, evil villains! Behold my Magic Cheer of Justice for All:
Gimme a P!
Gimme a U!
Gimme an N!
Gimme a D!
Gimme an A!
Gimme a K!
Put it all together and what do you get?
Samy: I will headbutt the Cheerleader with my Ridiculous Helmet Hair!!
Hishamuddin: I will kill the Cheerleader by waving my Magic Keris!!
Mahathir: I will arrest the Cheerleader under the ISA and then pretend I had nothing to do with it!
Pak Lah: Zzzzzzzz....huh? ....zzzzzzzzz....Cheerleader? ...zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Lim Kit Siang: I will save the Cheerleader only if she's Chinese!
PAS: We will ban the cheerleader from wearing that short skirt and doing those sexy moves!!
Anwar: Mahathir is evil!! Mahathir is...what Cheerleader?
Khir Toyo: I will tell my goons to call up the Cheerleader and ask her if she's having sex!!
Cheerleader: HaHaHa!! Too late, evil villains! Behold my Magic Cheer of Justice for All:
Gimme a P!
Gimme a U!
Gimme an N!
Gimme a D!
Gimme an A!
Gimme a K!
Put it all together and what do you get?
Sunday, April 01, 2007
The Price of Fame: Sex, Money, Girth
I've been busy this past month. I mean, really really busy. In fact, I've been so busy that
Commercial Break
Rani: Amma, will boys ever like me?
Amma: Not unless you use Fair & Lovely Fairness Cream.
10 years later...
Rani: Thanks to Fair & Lovely Fairness Cream, I now have a husband!
Husband: Rani! Get me a beer, dammit! PUNDAKKKK!!!!
Rani: PUNDAK?
Husband: Yes! PUNDAK!
Rani: What's PUNDAK?
James Earl Jones: PUNDAK is coming soon. Watch this space. We now return you to regular programming.
Damn commercials.
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been so busy that I've not even had time to reply to most of my e-mails.
You see, since I started blogging many people have been e-mailing me with various offers and propositions and stuff. Everybody wants a piece of me. But, you know what? Fame isn't all it's cracked up to be.
So, in order to show you, my loyal readers and the papparazzo, what I, as a famous person, have to go through, I have decided, by using many commas in this sentence, to publish some of my fan-mail here. Enjoy:
___________________________________________
From: Sylvia
To: the.hideout@Hotmail.com
Hi there! I am Ukrainian housewife who are lonely and horny! I would like to meet you! I am sure we can have a good time for relationship/marriage.
Reply:
Dear Sylvia,
I am touched by your offer for relationship/marriage and I really would like to meet you to discuss how we can work together to overcome your loneliness and horniness.
However, I'm afraid The Ukraine is too far away from where I am (Kuala Lumpur), and there really is no guarantee that you will still still be horny when I get there, is there?
As such, I am proposing that we meet halfway. Is Kathmandu okay?
Please let me know.
Cheers,
Pazuzu.
PS. You also stated that you are a housewife. What does your husband think of all this?
____________________________________________
From : [GainsOf2Inches]
Sent : Wednesday, March 28, 2007 6:35 AM
To :
Subject : -=SatisfactionGuaranteed=-
AddGirth andLength -- MillionsOfOthers alreadyHave!
Reply:
What the hell? How dare you?! Who the hell do you think you are? Has someone been spreading rumours about my girth and length? Listen you fuckers, I don't care if millions of others already have, okay? I'm perfectly happy with my girth and length. Okay? I've never had any complaints. Well, except that one time when...but...it was cold dammit! And I had too much to drink, okay? Listen. I'll have you know that women from as far away as The Fucking Ukraine want me, ok? For relationship/marriage! So obviously, there have only been good reviews about my girth and length in the grapevine. I think.
Bastards.
Fuck you,
Pazuzu.
____________________________________________
From The Desk Of Mr.Aziz Moustafa
The Head Of File Department,
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso West Africa.
Phone: 00226-7616 94 13.
PLANE CRASH WEB SITE... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm.
("REMITTANCE OF $22.5 MILLION U.S.A DOLLARS CONFIDENTIAL IS THE CASE")
Compliments Of The Season 2007,
Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and may offend your personality for contacting you without your prior consent and writing through this channel.I got your contact from the proffesional data base found in the banking internet tourist search.When i was searching for a foreign reliable partner.I assured of your capability and reliability to champion this businees opportunity.
After series of prayers/fasting.i was divinely directed to contact you among other names found in our banking internet data base tourist search.I believe that God has a way of helping who is in need.
I am (Mr.Aziz Moustafa),the Head of file Department in BANK OF AFRICA (BOA).
In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $ 22.5 million U.S.A dollars ( Twenty two million five hundred thousand dollars) . In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family on ( Monday, 31 July, 2000, 13:22 GMT 14:22 UK) in a plane crash. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relati on to the deceased as indica ted in our banking guidelines, but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and one official in my department now decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.
The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after five years, the money will be transfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner, and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. We agree that 30 % of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 % will be set aside for expenses incured during the business and 60 % would be for me and my woman colleague. There after i will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.
Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.
You should contact me ( 00226-7616 94 13) immediately as soon as you receive this letter. Trusting to hear from you immediately.
Your’s faithfully,
Mr.Aziz Moustafa
FROM (BOA) OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO. GOD BLESSINGS,PROTECTIONS AND GUIDIANCE TO YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.
Reply:
Dear Mr. Aziz Moustafa,
When I first read your letter, I thought "Holy Shit!! 22.5 Million US Dollars!!". To be perfectly honest, I really could use the money.
But what I find hard to believe is that God has put you in contact with me. You may not know this - God used to be my Secretary, but I had to let him go after I discovered that I was the descendant of Jesus Christ. Err..well, it's all a bit complicated, really.
But, since I am a completely non-judgemental kinda guy, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, and meet you to discuss this matter further. I will be meeting a lady friend of mine soon in Kathmandu, Nepal. I believe this is also halfway between Kuala Lumpur and Burkina-Faso. I hope you can arrange to meet me there with your woman friend and maybe, if you're into this kind of thing, we can swap friends for a day.
My lady friend is lonely and horny and I do think she will be up for it.
Do let me know soon.
Cheers,
Pazuzu.
There. Back to work now.
Sigh.
____________________________________________
Breaking News: He's After Me!!
Khir: IWK main polluter
SEWAGE management company Indah Water Konsortium Sdn Bhd (IWK) has been accused of being the main source of river pollution in Selangor, Mingguan Malaysia front-paged.
Selangor Mentri Besar Datuk Seri Dr Mohd Khir Toyo said the state government decided to expose IWK because the company failed to provide quality service, as several rivers in the state were polluted with ammonia and waste.
He said the other river polluters were the construction sector, factories and industries.
“We want the ministry to review the privatisation of IWK, which I think has failed.
Source: The Star
Chronology of Events:
1) University does study which finds that kids are having sex
2) Khir Toyo, unhappy with findings, says "No way!" and instructs his goons to call up kids and ask them if it's true that they're having sex.
3) Kids, when contacted by State Government Officials and asked if they're having sex, say "Errr...No". Duh.
4) The Floating Turd, vigilante hero of the people and shit, calls up Khir Toyo's office to ask them if Khir Toyo is having sex. They are unable to confirm.
5) In what is clearly an act of revenge, Khir Toyo slams IWK, an innocent party, for allowing "floating turds to go free" and instructs his goons to call up IWK and ask if IWK is having sex.
6) In an act of heroic defiance, The Floating Turd arranges to have sex with a horny Ukranian housewife in Kathmandu.
Your move, Toyo!
Commercial Break
Rani: Amma, will boys ever like me?
Amma: Not unless you use Fair & Lovely Fairness Cream.
10 years later...
Rani: Thanks to Fair & Lovely Fairness Cream, I now have a husband!
Husband: Rani! Get me a beer, dammit! PUNDAKKKK!!!!
Rani: PUNDAK?
Husband: Yes! PUNDAK!
Rani: What's PUNDAK?
James Earl Jones: PUNDAK is coming soon. Watch this space. We now return you to regular programming.
Damn commercials.
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been so busy that I've not even had time to reply to most of my e-mails.
You see, since I started blogging many people have been e-mailing me with various offers and propositions and stuff. Everybody wants a piece of me. But, you know what? Fame isn't all it's cracked up to be.
So, in order to show you, my loyal readers and the papparazzo, what I, as a famous person, have to go through, I have decided, by using many commas in this sentence, to publish some of my fan-mail here. Enjoy:
___________________________________________
From: Sylvia
To: the.hideout@Hotmail.com
Hi there! I am Ukrainian housewife who are lonely and horny! I would like to meet you! I am sure we can have a good time for relationship/marriage.
Reply:
Dear Sylvia,
I am touched by your offer for relationship/marriage and I really would like to meet you to discuss how we can work together to overcome your loneliness and horniness.
However, I'm afraid The Ukraine is too far away from where I am (Kuala Lumpur), and there really is no guarantee that you will still still be horny when I get there, is there?
As such, I am proposing that we meet halfway. Is Kathmandu okay?
Please let me know.
Cheers,
Pazuzu.
PS. You also stated that you are a housewife. What does your husband think of all this?
____________________________________________
From : [GainsOf2Inches]
Sent : Wednesday, March 28, 2007 6:35 AM
To :
Subject : -=SatisfactionGuaranteed=-
AddGirth andLength -- MillionsOfOthers alreadyHave!
Reply:
What the hell? How dare you?! Who the hell do you think you are? Has someone been spreading rumours about my girth and length? Listen you fuckers, I don't care if millions of others already have, okay? I'm perfectly happy with my girth and length. Okay? I've never had any complaints. Well, except that one time when...but...it was cold dammit! And I had too much to drink, okay? Listen. I'll have you know that women from as far away as The Fucking Ukraine want me, ok? For relationship/marriage! So obviously, there have only been good reviews about my girth and length in the grapevine. I think.
Bastards.
Fuck you,
Pazuzu.
____________________________________________
From The Desk Of Mr.Aziz Moustafa
The Head Of File Department,
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso West Africa.
Phone: 00226-7616 94 13.
PLANE CRASH WEB SITE... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm.
("REMITTANCE OF $22.5 MILLION U.S.A DOLLARS CONFIDENTIAL IS THE CASE")
Compliments Of The Season 2007,
Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and may offend your personality for contacting you without your prior consent and writing through this channel.I got your contact from the proffesional data base found in the banking internet tourist search.When i was searching for a foreign reliable partner.I assured of your capability and reliability to champion this businees opportunity.
After series of prayers/fasting.i was divinely directed to contact you among other names found in our banking internet data base tourist search.I believe that God has a way of helping who is in need.
I am (Mr.Aziz Moustafa),the Head of file Department in BANK OF AFRICA (BOA).
In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $ 22.5 million U.S.A dollars ( Twenty two million five hundred thousand dollars) . In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family on ( Monday, 31 July, 2000, 13:22 GMT 14:22 UK) in a plane crash. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relati on to the deceased as indica ted in our banking guidelines, but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and one official in my department now decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.
The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after five years, the money will be transfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner, and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. We agree that 30 % of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 % will be set aside for expenses incured during the business and 60 % would be for me and my woman colleague. There after i will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.
Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.
You should contact me ( 00226-7616 94 13) immediately as soon as you receive this letter. Trusting to hear from you immediately.
Your’s faithfully,
Mr.Aziz Moustafa
FROM (BOA) OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO. GOD BLESSINGS,PROTECTIONS AND GUIDIANCE TO YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.
Reply:
Dear Mr. Aziz Moustafa,
When I first read your letter, I thought "Holy Shit!! 22.5 Million US Dollars!!". To be perfectly honest, I really could use the money.
But what I find hard to believe is that God has put you in contact with me. You may not know this - God used to be my Secretary, but I had to let him go after I discovered that I was the descendant of Jesus Christ. Err..well, it's all a bit complicated, really.
But, since I am a completely non-judgemental kinda guy, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, and meet you to discuss this matter further. I will be meeting a lady friend of mine soon in Kathmandu, Nepal. I believe this is also halfway between Kuala Lumpur and Burkina-Faso. I hope you can arrange to meet me there with your woman friend and maybe, if you're into this kind of thing, we can swap friends for a day.
My lady friend is lonely and horny and I do think she will be up for it.
Do let me know soon.
Cheers,
Pazuzu.
There. Back to work now.
Sigh.
____________________________________________
Breaking News: He's After Me!!
Khir: IWK main polluter
SEWAGE management company Indah Water Konsortium Sdn Bhd (IWK) has been accused of being the main source of river pollution in Selangor, Mingguan Malaysia front-paged.
Selangor Mentri Besar Datuk Seri Dr Mohd Khir Toyo said the state government decided to expose IWK because the company failed to provide quality service, as several rivers in the state were polluted with ammonia and waste.
He said the other river polluters were the construction sector, factories and industries.
“We want the ministry to review the privatisation of IWK, which I think has failed.
Source: The Star
Chronology of Events:
1) University does study which finds that kids are having sex
2) Khir Toyo, unhappy with findings, says "No way!" and instructs his goons to call up kids and ask them if it's true that they're having sex.
3) Kids, when contacted by State Government Officials and asked if they're having sex, say "Errr...No". Duh.
4) The Floating Turd, vigilante hero of the people and shit, calls up Khir Toyo's office to ask them if Khir Toyo is having sex. They are unable to confirm.
5) In what is clearly an act of revenge, Khir Toyo slams IWK, an innocent party, for allowing "floating turds to go free" and instructs his goons to call up IWK and ask if IWK is having sex.
6) In an act of heroic defiance, The Floating Turd arranges to have sex with a horny Ukranian housewife in Kathmandu.
Your move, Toyo!
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